Transcript
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What's up, guys?
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Welcome to Demo with Mo.
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I'm your host, monique Simmons.
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We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective.
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Are you guys ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, what's up, guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo.
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I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing it Ends With Me.
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A few weeks ago, I saw the movie it Ends With Us.
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If you're not familiar with this movie, it's a romance, drama and trigger warning.
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It is about domestic violence and if you have not seen this movie, this would not be the episode for you because there will be some spoilers.
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So if you have not seen this movie, I would encourage you to come back and listen to this episode later.
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So I watched this movie.
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I had been wanting to see this movie.
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It came out earlier this summer and I had been wanting to go see this movie.
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I actually wanted to go to the movie theater by myself.
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I do a lot of things by myself.
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I am one of those people who is pretty comfortable and secure.
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I had this conversation with someone last week.
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I don't mind going to do things by myself and I actually enjoy it a lot.
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I have not always been this way, but this is something that I've experienced on my self-care journey, something that I've learned about myself that I actually really enjoy.
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But I wanted to go see this movie and I got off track and a lot of things happened and I honestly just forgot about the movie.
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But a preview came on.
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My husband and I was watching TV one day and a preview came on and he played the trail and I was like, oh yeah, this is a movie that I really wanted to see and we ended up ordering it and watched the movie with him and I thoroughly enjoyed it.
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I did, and I got a lot of takeaways from it and it stuck with me a little bit, and not even just a little bit.
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It stuck with me.
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Take the little bit off.
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It really stuck with me and it got me to thinking.
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So the movie is about.
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The main character is Lily Atlas and these two people.
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They were teenagers who met because Lily was living in his house and she grew up with her parents who were in this marriage and her dad was abusive.
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Her dad would beat her mom and nobody else knew about it except Lily and her parents, and her dad was the mayor of this town, very well liked by the community and the people in that city, and he died in the movie and she knew he was going to be dying and she didn't make it.
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She purposely didn't make it back because, you know, some things had transpired and she didn't make it back.
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But when she was growing up, atlas, who was her best friend, had moved in and I say moving very lightly, because it was an abandoned home, a home that was boarded up across the street from her house home, a home that was boarded up across the street from her house.
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And he had kind of moved into that home that was boarded up across the street from her and he started living there.
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And he was living there because his mom had put him out of their home, because her boyfriend was beating on her, he was physically abusive to her and Atlas, the young man, was standing up for his mom, he was taking up for his mom and he fought the boyfriend.
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Well, mom didn't like this and mom put him out of the home.
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So Atlas moved in across the street.
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And there are a lot of things that I'm leaving now because, again, I would encourage you to go see the street and there are a lot of things that I'm leaving now because, again, you know I would encourage you to go see the movie.
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I would encourage you to go see it.
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And he moves in across the street from Lily and Lily ends up showing Atlas compassion.
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She felt bad for him.
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She saw that he was living in his home and she the kids at school was talking about him, how he smelled, because they didn't know what was going on with him.
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But she noticed because he lived right across the street from her home.
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So she ended up getting him some groceries from her house, sneaking it out the house, getting him some of her dad's clothes and pegging a bag and dropping it off at the house for him and hiding just to show him so he could have some pride, some dignity.
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And he ended up telling her thank you how much he appreciated it, all those things.
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And they ended up becoming best friends and eventually partners, lovers, partners, lovers.
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They started dating, falling in love, and he became her first, the first person she ever had sex with.
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So, long story short, her dad ends up finding out about it.
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He beats up Atlas so bad, bad it nearly kills him.
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They go on about their lives.
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She never sees him again.
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Up until this point.
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Her father dies.
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They are now adults.
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Her father dies, they have the funeral and she goes on with her life and she now meets this man named Raoul.
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Raoul is this neurosurgeon doctor, beautiful man, rich and wealthy.
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You know all of the things that checks off the boxes externally okay, well, they ended up getting in a relationship, all of the things.
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Well, route ends up becoming abusive in the way it plays out in the movie.
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It looks in the beginning.
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If you're not careful, if you don't come from a background of DV, domestic violence or domestic abuse, it can go over your head easily and it'll take you again to the end of the movie to really understand.
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It can just go over your head so quickly.
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But if you have a history of this, if you've ever experienced this, if you're currently experiencing this, you can see right through it.
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But they portray it in the movie in such a way in the beginning that it looks like these things are happening by accident, like when he hits her or she falls down the stairs or something happens.
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It is portrayed in such a way as if it's happening by accident.
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But for those who know, you know he's hurting her it's portrayed in such a way as if it's happening by accident.
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But for those who know, you know he's hurting her.
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So eventually they get married and they have a child.
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And at this point, when she finds out that she's pregnant, she leaves him and she she goes back home to her mom.
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And I'm leaving so many things out because the episode is not for me to tell you about this movie that that is not what we're here to talk about.
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But I want I want to get you to the point of when the light bulb comes on and the change happens.
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Well, she leaves him and goes back home to her mom and she tells her mom what's going on.
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And one of the important things is I want you to know that they really stuck out for me in the story In this movie, and there's also a story about it.
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Fyi, there's a book that was out before this movie, which does, I hear, does the movie doesn't even do it justice, because there are a lot of things in the book that the movie left out.
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But I mean, it's understandable because it's only so much a two-hour movie can tell you.
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So one of the things about Raul is Lily has a flower shop and she opens up this flower shop with someone she ends up becoming best friends with and her best friend is Alyssa.
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And Alyssa is Raul's sister, which Lily had no idea in the beginning when she met Alyssa, because she met Alyssa before she met Rao.
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So this is one of the important things you need to know, because she ends up telling Alyssa about the abuse and, long story short, alyssa says I hope, because I know he's my brother, so I hope you end up you are able to forgive him.
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But she says I'm your best friend, so if you go back to him, I will never speak to you again.
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So it's like two things can be true I know he's my brother, so I hope you can find it in your heart to one day forgive him, but at the same time, I'm your best friend and I don't want to see my best friend hurt.
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So if you go back to him, I'll never speak to you again because you don't deserve this.
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So that was such a beautiful moment to me in that movie because I can see past him being my brother.
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Beautiful moment to me in that movie because I can see past him being my brother.
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I know he's my brother but still, even with him being my brother, how he's treating you, the way he has no respect for you, the fact that he's physically putting his hands on you.
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It's not right.
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So to get back to it, after she finds out she's pregnant and she's had her last straw, she leaves him and goes back to her mom.
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He comes over and helps her put up the crib for the baby and whatever.
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And he's attempting he's continuing to attempt to try to repair the relationship and get back together, but at this point she's not going back.
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So she goes into labor and she has the baby at the hospital and he's sitting beside the hospital bed and he's holding the baby and he's talking to the baby and just all of the things with the baby.
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And she looks over at him and she says I want a divorce.
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And she begins to ask him questions and says is he's looking at the baby and because they have a daughter.
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And she says if she ever came to you and said ever came to you and said that my boyfriend is hurting me, but he says that he's sorry and he says that it's a mistake but he loves me, what would you say to her?
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And if she said that he hit me and he pushed me down the stairs and it was all a mistake and he didn't mean it.
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The person that's supposed to love you the most and and not hurt you and protect you and all of these things.
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If she came to you and said this, what would you say to her as he's looking at his daughter, because it was just like the perfect moment, because it's one thing to see your partner or your spouse, but it's another thing when it's your own child, when it's your own daughter or your own son that you're looking at, that you're holding and you're having to think about if it was happening to them, if they were experiencing the hurt that you're causing, if it was somebody else that was causing them the hurt, the harm, the danger, the disrespect, if it was happening to them, what would you say to them?
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Would you say that it was okay?
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What would you say to them?
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Would you say that it was okay?
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What would you say?
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And he says and you can see the shame come over his face he says I would tell her to leave and I would beg her to never go back.
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And then he passes the baby back to her and he says go back to your mom.
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She's so, you have such a strong mom and he walks out of the room and then she says to the baby after he leads to her daughter and she said it's okay, we're going to be okay, it ends with us.
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It ends with us and that stuck with me.
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And not so much about the domestic violence, the DV of it all, even though that affects so many.
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I personally experienced domestic violence.
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If you've been rocking with me for a while, if you've been listening to the podcast since the beginning or if you've binged episodes, I'm sure you've listened to that episode.
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You've heard me talk about it.
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I've experienced it.
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I totally understand so I could even relate to all of that.
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But that's not what stuck with me.
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What stuck with me is the ending with me, the ending with us, because we get to decide.
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We don't have to continue the cycles Because, I told you, her dad physically abused her mom.
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She got into a relationship in marriage where she was physically abused.
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Her best friend, her first, the person she, her first love, his mom, was physically abused.
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We don't have to continue the same cycles.
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We don't have to.
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We can choose.
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We can decide that it ends with us.
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My child don't have to continue going through what I went through.
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I don't even have to continue going through what my parents and my grandparents and their parents went through.
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I can choose to decide that it ends with me, that it ends with us.
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I can decide that I can choose to decide to do things differently.
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I can choose to decide to do things differently in my marriage, in my friendships, with my finances, raising my children, with my faith, in my relationship with God, how I treat those I do relationships with with, in my church, in my ministry, on my job, how I love people, how I restore relationships, how I forgive, how I let go of things, how I move on.
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I can decide that it ends with me.
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I don't have to continue doing things the way that they've always been done.
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I don't care if that's the way it's always been in my family.
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I don't care that that's the way they say it should be done.
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I don't care that that's the way that they want it to be done.
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I don't care that that's the way grandma and mama and daddy say that this is the way it has to be.
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I can choose to do things differently.
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I can decide that it ends with me, and yes, it will be hard and yes, it will be uncomfortable and, yes, I may have to have hard conversations and, yes, some people may stop talking to me, but life will go on and it will be different.
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Generations will be different, because I decided that it ends with me.
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A couple months ago I started doing devotionals with my daughter in the morning.
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We have this prayers and promises book that we do.
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It's called prayers and promises for mommy and me.
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If you decide you want to get it, one of my closest girlfriends got it for me like a year or two ago.
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But back when COVID first started, over four years ago, I had decided that I was going to do devotional time for myself.
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Somewhere along the line I stopped putting God first.
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You know we say we love God, but do your actions reflect that?
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You can say one thing with your mouth, but do your actions reflect that?
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I would roll over in the morning, wake up and I'm picking up my phone to look at social media.
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And if you're offended and I'm on your street, you know, don't get mad with me, get off the street, because that's where I was, because you can say one thing with your mouth, but what's your action saying?
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But that's where I had God and I'm like hold on, something ain't adding up here because I say I love God, I say I'm a believer, I say I'm a disciple following after Christ.
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Some may end up here.
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I should be in my word more than I'm on social media.
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I should be spending time with God first.
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That's my first love.
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Some may end up here.
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So I had made a commitment during the pandemic, which is one of the best decisions I've ever made, and you've probably heard me say this before.
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Every morning, I get up at five o'clock, I get in my word, I read my Bible and I pray.
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That's my time with God, before everyone else gets up in my home, and I've been doing it since 2020.
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And that's every day, even on the weekends.
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That's just my personal time with God and that's the best decision that I could have ever made.
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But a few months ago I decided because my daughter gets up my oldest daughter gets up early as well to get on her bus, and I'm like I want to incorporate my child in this as well.
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So I started doing these mommy and me devotionals with her, and each day has a theme.
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Well, last week the theme was integrity.
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We read our scriptures, we did our prayers, and it asks a question at the end each day.
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Okay, so the question at the end of the day for integrity was who in your life do you consider that has integrity?
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So when it got to the question, I asked my baby this and she asked me what does integrity means?
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So I explained to her about integrity and how it means.
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This person lives what they say.
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They don't say one thing with their mouth and then lives a completely different way.
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They say one thing and their life reflects that.
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And she said mommy.
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Well, she says ma, that's what she calls me, ma.
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She said ma, you, you are a person of integrity.
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And when she left I just boohoo, like I just broke down, because you don't always know if what you're saying is hitting your children, if they're listening, if they're taking it in, if they're receiving, if it's making a difference.
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But your life is, what you're living is impacting your children.
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They see it.
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It ain't always what you say, but when what you say lines up with how you're living, it's impacting your children.
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They see it.
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It ain't always what you say, but when what you say lines up with how you're living, they see that.
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And they also see when what you say ain't lining up with what you're living.
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If you're saying one thing but your life shows something else, your kids see that.
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That was something that I always struggled with as a child, when the adults around me would say one thing, when they say you should be doing one thing, but when actions always reflected something else.
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So when my daughter said that to me, it hit me.
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Lord, it is ending with me because my life is reflecting what I say.
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My life is reflected in my actions, because I'm saying all these things about you, I'm teaching my children about you, I'm telling my children about you.
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But I'm also living what I say, what I'm saying out of my mouth.
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I'm living it every day, when I'm reading my Bible, when I'm praying every morning.
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They not only hear me talk about this, they see it.
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They don't only see me going to church on Sunday.
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I'm not no Sunday living Christian.
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I live this in my life, day to day, in my home, behind closed doors.
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My family sees it.
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So it ends with me.
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Usually when I record these episodes, I record, I edit, I post for it to go out on the scheduled day.
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I get everything done in one session.
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That's why I have a specific day set out each week where I do this.
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That's just how I set up.
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That's what works for my life.
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Every podcast host does things differently.
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There is no perfect one way to do anything.
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You do what's best for you.
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That's just life in general with all aspects of life.
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There's no one cookie-cut way to do anything.
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But when I recorded this episode and what I'm saying now I'm recording on an absolutely different day, just to give you some context of what I'm saying.
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I'm recording on an absolutely different day, just to give you some context of what I'm saying from what you just heard.
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And God has a beautiful way of doing things that way, and I'm saying this because I never do my podcast episodes that way.
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I literally get everything done in one day.
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But it happened that way this time.
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When I recorded that episode, I ended it because I had to go out for an appointment that I had to get there at a certain time, so I wasn't able to do my usual things, where I get everything done, and sometimes I scheduled around other things that needed to be done, just so I can make sure I got the episode recorded.
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Well, that night after I recorded that podcast episode, I ended up calling my mom about something totally different, but we got on the subject about me finding my biological father's family and I'm saying this because for you guys who have been with me for a while, you know that I do a 30-day self-care challenge for the month of November, for the whole month, entire month of November, and I just finished it and one of the days in November one of the challenges was I signed up to do the incest 3 dna kit.
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I talked about it on my facebook page, my demo with mo facebook page, so if you're not following me there, go do that.
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But that's where I post my daily challenges of what I'm going to do for their self-care challenge every day, this part of my journey.
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I haven't talked about it with my family outside of my husband and my children and I really haven't shared it with anybody.
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It's just something I haven't shared.
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Like you know, if you saw it on social media or you heard my podcast episodes and things like that, you know about it and the door is always open.
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So I posted about it from Deaf Care Challenge.
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I did the Incest 3DNA kit, where I had bought it and going to start this journey because six months ago I officially found out that at the time when I was doing this, in November, it had been six months since I found out that my dad, who raised me, was not my biological father.
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And I say found out officially because at the age of 19 was when my mom told my dad and I that he might not be my father, and I'm saying this because it's important to what I'm about to say.
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I'm 36 now.
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That was 17 years ago and I've just gotten to the place where I am, at the point where I am ready to start this journey of finding, because my mom knew that it was either my dad and one other person and I won't share his information, y'all know how I wrote.
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I just I don't do that but she knew it was only my dad or one other person, which whom I know.
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I don't have a personal relationship with him, but I know who he is.
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So now I'm at the place where now I want to find who my family is, who people that I come from, who is this family?
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Because I don't know anything about them.
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I don't know.
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I know that you know there are possible siblings, I know.
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You know there are so many possibilities, so many things to explore, so many things to find out.
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But I'm literally starting from scratch, something that I thought my whole life.
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It literally blew up and now I'm starting over and I'm having to find out.
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So this was that first step to now you officially know.
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It's not like you're wondering or thinking, because that's what was going on from 19 to age 35.
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When I finally had the courage to ask my dad to do a DNA test and he agreed and we found out he wasn't my biological father.
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And now it's place where, okay, you know, you know for sure, you don't have to wonder anymore.
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And now your next step what are you going to do now?
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The next thing is to find your family, because the other man who is my father, based on the information that I've been given again, there will have to be a DNA test.
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Based on the information that I've been given.
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My next step would be to find my family, to go out there and see, to face, face the unknown, to step out on faith and not just stop here, because it doesn't just stop here.
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It's more work to be done, it's more things to find out, it doesn't just end here, it doesn't just stop right here.
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So my mom and I was talking and she brought up.
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She said I saw your post about you doing the Ancestry DNA and I want you to know that I'm proud of you.
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And for a moment it caught me off guard.
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If I'm being honest, it took me by surprise for a moment and I just sat with it for a moment.
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And I just sat with it and before I could respond, she went into her next words and and I won't even get into all of the things that she began to say after that and not and she asked me how I felt about it and I said I'm scared.
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I'm scared.
