Transcript
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what's up, guys?
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Welcome to demo with mo.
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I'm your host, monique simmons.
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We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective.
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Are you guys ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, what's up, guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo.
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I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we're going to be discussing knowing when and who to confide in versus not oversharing.
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Today I have a special guest joining me, and when I say special, she is a repeat guest, and when I have a guest on multiple times, that means this person is special to me and I really enjoy diving into conversations with them.
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So, without further ado, I would like to introduce Miss Alexis Thomas.
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Alexis, welcome and if you don't mind, if you could introduce yourself to let them know a little bit more about you.
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Hi, my name is Alexis Thomas.
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I am a mom of five, I am a wife almost days, I am habitually late, I make candles for a side hustle and I'm also a fraud analyst for a billion dollar corporation.
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I work remotely, so that makes me comfy and lazy, but overall I just like to talk a lot.
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So I think that's why me and Mo get along so well, and I'm just honored to have been welcomed back.
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Awesome introduction, thank you so much for joining me today.
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And, as you said, we both like to talk.
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So you think it is that makes us want to open up and confide or share with others.
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Like, what is it that makes us want to kind of talk to people and share with them honestly and I can only speak for myself, and it's just from you know my own observation just basic human connection.
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You know, you get a stay-at-home mom who doesn't do anything to talk to toddlers all day, so when something's wrong and she's frustrated, she can't talk to her partner.
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Of course she wants, you know, another outlet.
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Um, it could also be something as simple as you know wanting to hear another, you know, idea or scenario from another person.
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Because we all process things differently, like for me, if somebody was like, hey, girl, my boyfriend said I look fat in this shirt, I think I'm a, you know dumb thing.
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I know a lot of people like, oh, how dare he?
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You know, break up with them.
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And then another person might be like oh, girl, did you want him to tell you a lie?
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I guess, because if we ask one of our girlfriends, you know, hey girl, do I look all right in this and we say, no, you don't take it as offensively, but I know if it's coming from your partner, it might not come out so soft.
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So I just think we all look for other perspectives from other people, especially when we don't want to go to our partner with it or if we're not ready to go to our partner with it.
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That's really good.
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So that human connection we want to be able to connect with others and also to get others' perspectives and hear their opinions about things.
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Their opinions about things that's really good and it's true.
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I mean, I think that's a, that's a human thing, like I think we all want to be able to connect with others, whether we're honest about that or not, whether we've been hurt in the past or not, whether we trust people or not.
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That's a whole thing in us where we want to be able to connect with other people in that way.
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Okay, what qualities should we look for when considering people we confide in, because I think that's important too.
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So what qualities do you think we should look for?
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First and foremost, you definitely want to talk to somebody who is honest, and I know you know that's not something that you can tell from off the bat about a person being honest, but if you just pay attention to like their friend circle, because, despite people being like oh I don't have a lot of girlfriends I always been alone with for me that's a red flag.
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You're close to somebody, somebody know your business, it's somebody you went to.
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It's somebody you do compress to.
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If it's not your person or if you're single, so you know, that's the first thing that I look for.
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The second thing that I look for is, um, somebody who is okay with letting me vent first.
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You know we get so caught up in trying to make sure a person knows that we understand where they're coming from that we're trying to interject ourselves throughout the story and some people take that offensively because I'm guilty of it myself.
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Some people take that offensively and a lot of people don't like that kind of atheist person to talk to.
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Like you want to be able to get your excuse my language.
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You want to be able to get your excuse my language.
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You want to be able to get your doubt without somebody putting their stuff into it while you're getting it out, because then you forget your thoughts, you forget what you're upset about, you forget what it really is.
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It's something to win about and it kind of becomes.
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It kind of becomes a frustrating situation, and then the last thing that I definitely for sure look for is people who take accountability.
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You can't advise me on anything if you don't own the own demons or the own skills in your closet.
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All you're gonna do is teach me how to sweep my stuff under the rug, and that's the last thing I'm trying to do.
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Okay, so three things I got.
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You said honesty people that are, that are honest, people that allow you to vent and people that take accountability.
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One of the first things that you said that I want to go back to for just a second.
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You said people that are loners.
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Is that a red flag for you, for you personally?
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Because I know everybody is different and I and I.
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This is something that that sticks out to me as well, so this is kind of why I want to.
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I want to stay here for just a second.
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Do you think that's a personal red flag for you?
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People that say I don't have to have friends like you know I'm my own friend, you know I'm, you know I do my own thing, you, I can't trust people like is that a red flag for you?
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Oh, absolutely, and it's a big red flag for me, and not because I don't think people can't want a long time or like have the desire to be around.
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It's mostly because, at the end of the day, we all need a person, especially if they say something like oh well, I'm a loner, I don't need anybody but me, and they have children.
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Everybody needs someone, even if it's their kid.
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I don't care how your day has been and I'm so sorry because the most I apologize.
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I don't care how crazy your day has been.
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If your mom or dad and you have children at home, the best, most favorite part of your day, especially when it's time to decompress, is going to be whatever loving or affection you get from something that you created.
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You know what I mean.
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So for me, yeah, what people say I'm a loner, or I don't have any friends, or I like to be by myself, or females just too messy, or whatever the case might be, for me it's always a red flag because you have to talk to somebody and don't get me wrong, I know people always being on the hey, can you, can you talk to god?
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And by all means do that.
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I do it and it feels great, however, just being a human, you have to understand that you are going to need to talk to somebody else always.
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It's not a situation where you can be like, oh, my mom passed.
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Let me just hold all of that in internally and not speak to anyone.
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Even if it's a therapist, you don't run your mouth to somebody, because that's how people decompress.
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If you write it in a journal, that's fine too, but at some point you're still going to say it out loud.
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A lot of people don't get closure until things are spoken out loud, and even then it might not give you closure, but it does give you some kind of relief.
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And that's not something I pull out my book.
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You know that's a whole degree from people that taught me that when I was studying psychology.
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You know everybody has to have some kind of outlet and it's going to always be some kind of human connection.
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This is like people who decide to get what is it?
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The pets that you can take anywhere, the emotional support animals?
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Yeah, you can best believe if that person can't find somebody to talk to, but if they're talking they can't.
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That dog, you're off because you gotta get it.
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Because you gotta get it, that's real.
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So yeah, that's real.
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For me, that will always be a red flag and be like oh, I'm a loner, I hang out by myself, I do this for myself and that's great.
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Being comfortable in your skin and being comfortable enough to do stuff alone, especially in this generation, that's real cliquish.
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You know, that's admirable, but everybody needs some kind of attention somewhere.
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If it's a kid, it's your mom, it's your dad, your homegirl, you've gone to sick pay, it's never just you.
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That's literally impossible.
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Yeah, yeah, and that's real.
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Even like when you said how people use I talk to God.
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Like even with that, like yes, we should talk to God, matter of fact, we should talk to God first.
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But even with that sentiment, that's not even biblical.
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But even with that sentiment, that's not even biblical when they use that statement God don't expect us to talk to him and talk to him alone and not have companionship.
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Like God didn't create us to be on the island.
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God did not create us to be alone.
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That's why he made Eve for Adam, because he didn't want man to be alone.
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Like he want us to have companionship.
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Like he want us to have companionship, we're supposed to have companionship.
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Like that's biblical, even when people say that like that's not even biblical, sound Like to just think that God wants us to only talk to him and not have friends and not have companions and not have people in our lives that we lean on and depend on and have relationship and be able to confide and talk to.
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Like that's not from God, like that's some stuff we created because we've been hurt or we don't trust people or some things that have happened to us and that's our defenses.
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And you know, know trauma and things we've experienced.
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But God didn't do that.
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You know God didn't say that that's some stuff we created and we made up.
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Okay, do you think there's a time, even when dealing with people in our lives who are trustworthy, that we should keep things to ourselves?
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If so, why?
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Oh, absolutely, and it's for a multitude of reasons, but I promise I'll keep it short.
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For starters, if it's about your significant other, whether dating or married, if it's a situation where something has occurred, we'll say, like cheating has occurred and you know you're going to go back, keep it to yourself, because you might forgive and forget, but friends and family do not, and I learned that from an older lady I used to work with.
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She's like you know.
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She used to tell me, lex, I've been through X, y and Z with my husband.
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She's like and, aside from the, used to tell me at LA, because I've been through X, y and Z with my husband, she's like in the side conversations you and I might have or I might have with a very, very dear friend of mine.
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She's like my family, my close friends.
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They don't know what's going on, because I knew I was going back Because I might not have liked what he did, but I was comfortable and happy with my life, with my financial status and so on.
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So she's like she just learned to get them in his pockets and keep it moving.
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And you know, it made a lot of sense.
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And then also, when you vent too much about your relationship, it puts people in a position to, I feel like and this is just from experience it gives people the notion that they're always allowed to have an opinion, even if you aren't asking for yes, yes, and at the end of the day, I'm grown.
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So, whether you like this person or not, the only person that has to deal with the consequence of staying or going is me, not you, not you and your friend, not you and my neighbor, but me.
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And then, of course, the children are involved.
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You know the kids, but, girl, that's a whole nother I'm not putting on the table today.
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But overall, yeah, definitely limited, because it can backfire really fast and really bad.
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Yeah, because, like I said, people don't forget.
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So you know, in a moment where you're distraught or you're upset or it's an issue, you feel like you will be madder about it in five minutes, five months, five days, whatever.
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Write it down first, calm down first and then decide if you trust somebody enough to speak on it with, but make sure it's somebody that you can genuinely trust.
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Like in that instance.
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I would tell people all the time pray for a spirit of discernment when it's time for you to share things that are near dear and personal to you, whether it's good news or bad, because people can be happy for your damn file and for no particular reason, just because it's you, that's good stuff.
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That's good stuff, and I I agree.
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I would also, um, add to piggyback off what you've already said even when you're dealing with people, and that's why I added this caveat of when you're even dealing with people that are trustworthy in your life, because sometimes you even have to keep things to yourself, even when dealing with people that are trustworthy, because people that are trustworthy in your life, they love you, they have your best intentions.
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But sometimes, even those people, they can't help but to be biased because they love you.
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I mean, they love you and in the moment, just like you said, you can be sad, you can be upset, you can be going through something, and they can't help but be biased because they love you, because they love you even with the best of intentions, because they love you, because they love you even with the best of intentions, because they love you.
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If you're hurt, if you're sad, if you're upset, if you're disappointed, they're going to more than likely be on your side.
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I mean, if we just being real about it, they're going to be on your side and you get over it At the end of the day.
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You get over it, you move on with life, and now they may look at your partner or your spouse or whoever it is that hurt you or made you feel the way that you was feeling.
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They still looking at them some type of way and you've moved on.
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You went on with life and they still looking at them some type of way, and now you've opened the door to that and you can't close that door because you open the door to this.
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So sometimes, even when dealing with people that are trustworthy, that love you again, who have the best intentions because and I'm saying all of this because I don't want anyone to hear this and think like we're speaking ill of anyone or something's wrong with talking to certain people or they have bad intentions no, these people can have the best intentions.
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They love you, they want the best for you.
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But even in those cases, sometimes they can't help but be biased because they love you.
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This is why I advocate for therapy and a third party counselors, because they don't have a dog in the fight.
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They just want what's best for your relationship and your marriage.
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That's why I advocate for this.
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But sometimes, even when dealing with people who are trustworthy and that love you, it's best in certain situations to keep them out of certain things and I'm not saying all things, because you need people you can lean on, that you can confide in it, you can talk to, that you can seek advice from different perspectives from.
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But dealing with some certain and certain things in your relationship, in your marriage, is best to keep certain things to yourself.
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As, alexis, I already said on on certain things in your relationship, it's best to keep certain things to yourself.
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Okay, now we're going to get into oversharing.
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Okay, oversharing is when someone shares too much information or reveals more than is appropriate for the situation.
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Why do you think people overshare?
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Is this something you've done in the past?
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Um, absolutely, people overshare and it's usually because I feel like a lack of a feeling.
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When you don't really have anybody to meet to and you finally do have a connection with someone you feel comfortable enough to do so, it's just going to all spill out like word vomit, just like when you hold in emotions that you haven't possibly dealt with.
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Like your first time sitting down with your therapist, you might ask you how you're doing.
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You might give her two hours of everything that has occurred in your life because you have never been afforded the opportunity to just let it out.
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Have I been here that you're absolutely, even recently, and it wasn't even intentional, it just came out and I was like, yeah, how did I even look at?
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You know switch, but you know when you're riled up and caught in a moment, especially anger.
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That's why I say I try to teach myself to regulate my emotions better and write it down first, because in a moment of anger you can reveal something to somebody that you never wanted anybody to know.
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And now they're looking at you sideways because they know something that's super duper personal, whether it's about you or your partner or something going on in your relationship, it could be about your parents and stuff, anything and you know it just.
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It just knows that from there, because they know now.
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So even if you go back and like, oh, girl, just okay, but you said it, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
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And let me ask you this if I wasn't even intending on asking you this, but now that you you said that you opened this door, I want to.
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I want to ask you this how does it, how does it feel after oversharing?
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Like, do you feel exposed?
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Do you feel naked?
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Do you feel like you've just opened yourself?
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In a way like, what does that feel like for me, especially if I've overshared with the wrong person?
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Like someone that's telling me they're either super judgmental or very negative or messy, gossipy, whatever the person might be.
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I feel super embarrassed and kind of pissed off at myself because I'm like girl, you know better what.
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What are you doing?
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Yeah, you know how to regulate your emotions, like what are you doing now?
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You got somebody who knows what's going on because you couldn't keep it together longer than to get back in the vehicle and just have your moment.
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And you know that's a whole nother can of wine to deal with with people on the outside listening in.
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You know what I mean, but that's why I think it's embarrassment more for self.
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If one thing I can pride myself on is when it comes to anything in my life, whether it's parents or relationships.
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If I've ever been homeless, broke with a job, whatever, I'm praying and caring about it because, yeah, a lot of things people choose to use for god, but god uses it to help them and I have no problem, because you can't shame me out of something I already know, don't you know?
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She was talking?
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Fyd sure did have a blast while I was doing it with Nick.
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It took me a long time to get that way, but I just wanted to own my, you know, own my SHIP.
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See, I'm doing better with that person.
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Sorry, I just wanted to own, you know, my stuff and keep the pushing Because, at the end of the day, as long as I'm happy and as long as I've made my peace with it.
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You know what does it matter?
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But in that moment, girl especially especially if it's with somebody I know that's like in the past had some ill feeling and I found out about it at a later time.
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Or like said something shady and I found out about it at a later time.
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Or like said something shady and I found out about it at a later time and I know this person is not trustworthy and I've been keeping them at a distance intentionally and I make it, make it slip up.
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I'll grab you, man for days.
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Yeah, I understand, I understand.
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This next question is going regarding you and your husband, and for my listeners who are in a relationship or married when it comes to your relationship, how do you and your partner feel about one another, confiding in others?
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For example, are there boundaries that we can only talk to these specific, agreed upon people or their topics that are off limits, etc.
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Like, is this something that you guys have talked about or do you guys kind of wing it like, is there a discussion about this?
00:23:10.554 --> 00:23:14.278
Um, honestly, it's really taking, though.
00:23:14.278 --> 00:23:26.618
Is the if things arise like and I say that because there's some things that he's not comfortable with discussing with his best friends that he is with me, and vice versa, for me as well.
00:23:26.618 --> 00:23:32.291
The only thing that we've really come to terms with overall is keep family out of it.
00:23:32.291 --> 00:23:48.183
Okay, just the one thing we have agreed on is no matter what the problem is, no matter what the issue is, I don't care if the dog died in the yard or we got to bury it tomorrow.
00:23:48.183 --> 00:23:48.444
That's good.
00:23:48.444 --> 00:23:49.626
Keep family out of it.
00:23:49.626 --> 00:23:54.296
And we have both ones that listen the hard way, and very recently as well.
00:23:54.296 --> 00:24:04.219
So you know, that's really the only tip list now in terms of like, if you have, like, an issue in the bedroom, I don't think either of us discussing it with anybody.
00:24:06.848 --> 00:24:15.749
But we have also learned how to practice how to say it to each other first, because for a long time we would like speak to one another in anger.
00:24:15.749 --> 00:24:23.170
So it was a lot of yelling, a lot of talking over one another and there wasn't really anything being accomplished.
00:24:23.170 --> 00:24:26.257
Yes, two folks still mad.
00:24:26.257 --> 00:24:27.378
Nobody got their point out.
00:24:27.378 --> 00:24:37.659
Now we'll both take a sip and be like hey, let's take a beat and walk away, because when stuff gets heated, you know it's really no way of telling how it'll go.
00:24:37.659 --> 00:24:38.420
You know what I mean?
00:24:38.420 --> 00:24:49.192
Or like, if the kids are around, because we have had arguments that have blown up in front of the children and it's been like after the fact, like we really shouldn't have done that, and then we've had to sit them down and listen.
00:24:49.192 --> 00:24:55.130
No, hey, this is not what a healthy relationship looks like.
00:24:55.130 --> 00:24:57.376
This is not what a good line of communication looks like.
00:24:57.396 --> 00:25:08.731
Mom and dad, you know, are working themselves also on properly regulating emotions and, you know, learning to get things out the pocket way and we apologize.
00:25:08.731 --> 00:25:12.576
And you know, for a long time, some of my family members were like, oh, why do you apologize to kids?
00:25:12.576 --> 00:25:12.921
Because they need to know, you know.
00:25:12.921 --> 00:25:13.951
A long time some of my family members like, oh, why do you apologize to kids?
00:25:13.951 --> 00:25:15.594
Because they need to know.
00:25:15.594 --> 00:25:23.355
You know, a lot of people don't like to admit it after, like, particularly in the black household, they don't like to admit it.
00:25:23.355 --> 00:25:36.230
But kids deserve apologies and kids they do explanations, because when they don't get it, from my personal opinion and my own childhood experience, that's how you create trauma.
00:25:37.334 --> 00:25:46.872
Okay, so for you, what is the difference between venting and getting advice or seeking wise counsel?
00:25:46.872 --> 00:25:51.894
Oh, the difference between venting and getting advice and seeking wise counsel.
00:25:51.894 --> 00:26:08.630
Oh, the difference between the venues and getting advice and supermodels, and ooh, that's a good one, because that line is really really thin, and I mean like type of thin, because event stations can turn into a counselor station real quick, depending on who you're speaking with.
00:26:08.630 --> 00:26:11.978
I know for me where people come to me specifically.
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I ask them do you want advice?
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And they kind of tell me where, which side of the line I'm supposed to be on with that, because if you're listening in, then you're not calling for advice.
00:26:24.840 --> 00:26:27.608
So that's why I always have to get them to clarify.
00:26:27.608 --> 00:26:36.469
Yeah, either way, though, even when you clarify it, there's still a really thin line that can be easily crossed.
00:26:36.529 --> 00:26:38.800
Of course, if I'm following the beat, I just need to get it out.
00:26:38.800 --> 00:26:40.267
I need you to hear me out.
00:26:40.267 --> 00:26:49.190
I'm not necessarily okay, I just need you to let me say it, but if I'm calling for cancer advice first, I'm already emotional.
00:26:49.190 --> 00:26:50.311
So please watch your tone.
00:26:50.311 --> 00:26:52.615
But you know, tell me something.
00:26:52.615 --> 00:26:57.491
Really, that's not already the obvious.
00:26:57.491 --> 00:26:59.633
Yeah, whatever he or she did is necessary.
00:26:59.633 --> 00:27:01.569
You know I'm presented with that work.
00:27:01.569 --> 00:27:07.549
It's why I need I don't need you to repeat that to me, I just need you to tell me moving forward.
00:27:07.549 --> 00:27:10.755
What would you do if I pushed you enough to even get me that way.
00:27:10.755 --> 00:27:13.339
Okay, got you Okay.
00:27:13.339 --> 00:27:19.650
So with venting, you just need to get off your chest how you feeling, what's going on.
00:27:19.650 --> 00:27:22.755
I'm not looking to really hear anything back.
00:27:22.755 --> 00:27:26.076
I just need to really get off how I'm feeling right now, in this moment.
00:27:26.076 --> 00:27:32.728
If you're looking for advice, I want to know Don't state to me the obvious State to me.
00:27:32.728 --> 00:27:35.711
If you were in my shoes, what would you do going forward?
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I'm with you, okay?
00:27:38.095 --> 00:27:40.097
This next question.
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It's a two-part question.
00:27:50.486 --> 00:27:57.512
When you confide in someone, do you ever feel like you have an obligation to take their advice if they give it, and do you think people that give advice expect you to do what they say?
