Transcript
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What's up, guys?
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Welcome to Demo with Mo.
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I'm your host, monique Simmons.
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We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective.
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Are you guys ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, what's up, guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of demo with mo.
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I am your host, monique simmons.
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I hope you enjoyed the kickoff of season seven on last week.
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Today we're going to be discussing honoring your parents as an adult and what that can look like.
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If you are listening to this live.
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We are getting ready to go into Mother's Day weekend and celebrate Mother's Day, which I'm excited about because, as you guys know, if you've been with me any amount of time, I am a mother.
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I still don't have plans yet.
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I still don't know what I'm going to be doing.
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I don't know what my husband and our babies which they're not babies anymore, but what our kids have planned for me, and I have not made any plans for myself yet.
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So I don't know what I'm going to be doing, but I do know I am excited because this is a day I get to celebrate myself and this is a day that my husband and my kids usually celebrate me.
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So I'm really excited about that.
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Um, transparent moment.
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Um, mother's Day is usually a difficult time for me, if I'm being completely honest, it's a holiday that is commercialized in a way where we celebrate mothers and is talked about in a way where the picture is painted that we should celebrate our mothers and be thankful for our mothers and appreciate our mothers which, don't get me wrong.
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I agree with that and we should, we really, we really should.
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But I also struggle with the fact that I know everyone does not have that.
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Everyone doesn't have that relationship with their mom and I speak from personal experience which we'll get into a little bit in this episode today.
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But everyone does not have that relationship with their mom the way that is talked about and commercialized on TV and social media.
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Commercialized on TV and social media.
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And it's not because it's not coming, because I know so many people who struggle in their relationships with their mom, men and women.
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I know so many people.
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That's the crazy thing.
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I know so many people who have difficult, layered, hard relationships with their mom and it's generations of people.
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I know many different age demographics who struggle in their relationships with their mothers.
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Different nationalities across the board struggle in their relationships with their mom.
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But it's such a stigma to talk about it.
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It's such a common thing to talk about different difficult relationships with dads and fathers like dads who are not in the home or dad beat dads and I'm using quotations because so many people talk about that and make that such a common thing but it's such a stigma to talk about difficult relationships with moms.
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So, again, that's why I'm saying Mother's Day is a difficult time for me and I know it's a difficult time for so many.
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I know there are a lot of you who are going to be listening, who are actually listening to me right now, and you may be struggling in your own relationship with your mom, and when I say struggling, I don't mean where you're non-contact or you don't talk to your mom.
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Some of you struggle with your relationship with your mom and you talk to your mom every day.
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You are in relationship with your mom and you talk to your mom every day and you still struggle in your relationship with your mom.
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There are so many things that you guys don't address in your relationship.
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There's an elephant in the room.
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There's difficult things from your childhood and your past that you can't talk about because your mom won't address it or you're afraid to address it.
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There's things that you wish you could talk about, that you wish you felt comfortable to talk about.
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But you talk about it with your friends, or you talk about it with your spouse, or you talk about it with your friends' moms because you feel more comfortable sharing with them than you do with your own mom.
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So when I say difficult relationships, I don't mean just because, again, this is layered.
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I don't mean you not having a relationship with your mom, and for some of you that does mean no relationship with your mom.
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For some of you it is no contact.
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For some of you you haven't spoken to your mom for years or for months, or you did have to go no contact because the relationship got so toxic or you had to set boundaries and this was what was best for you and your family.
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Again, it's so layered and it's so different.
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And it's so layered and it's so different and it's so hard and it's not talked about enough.
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So I'm talking about it.
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I'm saying a difficult thing to say and I'm saying what so many don't talk about but wish somebody would talk about it.
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And there's so many people who are hurting.
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There are so many women who are hurting, who wish they had their relationship with their mom and they desire to have their relationship with their mom.
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And there are so many men who are hurting, who wish they had their relationship with their mom, who are dying to have their relationship with their mom, who wish they could say the things to their moms that they say with their girlfriends and with their spouses.
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And there's so many moms who are hurting, who desire to have their relationship with their daughters and desire to have their relationship with their sons, but for some reason they don't know where to start.
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They don't know what to say, they don't know how to apologize.
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Maybe it's pride, maybe it's been too long.
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Too many years have passed, too much hurt is there.
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Yeah, mother's Day is coming up and everybody is not excited about it and everybody doesn't have good feelings about it.
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And some people struggle with not knowing how to feel about it.
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And some people are excited about it, like myself, and still struggle with the feelings that they have about it with their own mom.
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Two things can be true Because I'm excited about it to celebrate it with my husband and with our children and my beautiful family, and I'm excited about it to celebrate myself, but I also am sad about it.
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Sometimes I dread the day when it comes, because I don't have those beautiful memories that so many people talk about words to share, about the relationship with my mom and all of the things that we shared and all of the ways that she poured into me, and all of the things that so many people share all over social media.
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And sometimes I sit at home and cry solid tears and don't share with anybody.
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You know, and I know that it's not only me.
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I know that it's felt for so many, so many women and so many men, so many little boys and so many little girls.
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And again, two things can be true, and I told you guys last week season seven was going to be different.
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Last week, season seven was going to be different.
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I knew as the months in between, when we were on season break and as I was in therapy, doing work with my therapist, closing a lot of doors and opening new chapters.
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Going into this new season, I was going to be sharing a lot more of my story, things that I didn't share before because I was afraid of how others would feel and what people might think, and parts of my story that I didn't share because I didn't want to offend anybody or I didn't want people to think certain ways about other people, and that door has closed in my life.
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That door has closed.
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So I'm owning my story, every part of my story, because it belongs to me.
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So let's go ahead and dive into today's episode honoring your parents as an adult, and what that looks like, even when your relationships aren't the best, because, again, every relationship is not the same for all.
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Some people have great relationships with their parents, which is a beautiful thing and something I think we all should strive for.
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If we have that opportunity and if we can, I honestly believe we should all strive to have great relationships with our parents, and parents should strive to have great relationships with their children.
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So a few months ago at church and I won't be giving any details of who or where or anything like that, but a few months ago at church we had a visiting preacher and he preached this message and I'm just going to be honest y'all.
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It had me upset.
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I'm just going to go ahead and put that out there.
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It had me completely upset, so upset that I came home and told my husband about it.
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I was pacing across the floor.
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I kept him up all night talking about it because he wasn't in church with me.
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I paced across our bedroom floor talking about it and the next day I reached out to the group chat.
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You guys, if you know, you know, if you don't know, you know you ain't been rocking with me for a minute, but those who've been here you know.
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I reached out to the group chat, my girlfriends and all of them are Christians, and I reached out to them and explained to them everything that happened and they were just as dumbfounded as I was.
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I just wanted to talk to other people to just make sure I was not crazy.
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Okay, so we had this visiting preacher to come to our church and he preached this message when it comes to the Word of God, I'm gonna always go to scripture.
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Okay, so he preached this message it came for.
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If you want to go read it for yourself, this message it came for you want to go read it for yourself?
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Ephesians six and three is the scripture he was referencing.
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For this particular part that he was talking about.
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He was referencing children obeying their parents.
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Okay, so he's talking about and I'm not even gonna get into everything he was talking about for this specific part he was talking about children obeying your parents, and he said that that doesn't end when you become an adult.
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Okay, so are y'all with me?
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He said I don't know where we got this from, but that doesn't stop when you become an adult.
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You still are to obey your parents as an adult.
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But Ephesians 6 and 3 says God's word, says I want you to get your Bible or, if you have a Bible app, go to Ephesians 6 and 3.
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This is written by the apostle Paul.
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Ephesians 6 and 3 says children, obey your parents.
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Okay, and I want you to go back and read all of it for yourself for context, because this is what when he's giving, he's giving everyone what to do.
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He first starts with the children, then he goes to the parents, then it's.
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I'm not even gonna go through all that with you, because I teach Sunday school and then y'all, I go from podcast to Sunday school teacher.
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We're not going to go into all that.
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Okay, I'm getting upset right now, y'all, and this was a couple months ago.
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But he said this does not end when you become an adult.
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I don't know who said that or where we got that from, but this does not stop when you become an adult.
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As an adult, you still should be obeying your parents.
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This is not just for children, even though the Bible clearly says children obey your parents.
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This does not just stop with children.
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I don't know where we got that from, but as an adult, you still are to obey your parents.
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And then he goes on because he was 10 toes down.
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He was 10 toes down Because I'm like maybe I'm misunderstanding what he's saying.
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And as he's talking, and as he's talking, people are saying amen, amen and amen, and it's mostly older adults that are saying amen.
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So now I'm getting even more upset.
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So then, because I told y'all, he's 10 toes down into his statement.
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He goes on to say he gives the example.
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He says yes, it don't matter when I got married, if my mom was to call me and tell me to come take her somewhere, I don't care what I'm doing, I'm going to stop and take her to do it Because you obey your parents, even as an adult, even as a married adult.
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His words ten toes down, okay, and people are saying amen, okay, okay.
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So let's go on, cause we're going to stick with scripture, cause I feel my blood pressure rising, okay.
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So second Timothy two and 15 says study to show that self-approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth.
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So I came home, I told you.
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I came back home, I was upset.
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I talked to my husband, I talked to my girlfriends and I wasn't even I was upset.
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I talked to my husband, I talked to my girlfriends and I wasn't even though I was upset about him coming across a pulpit preaching that and talking about that.
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I I yeah, if I'm being perfectly honest, I was really upset about that, and it wasn't about so much as him as a person, it was just him in his position, preaching and teaching this to people and people hearing this and taking this as the truth, because that is not biblically sound.
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You do not have to obey your parents.
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As an adult, the commandment is to honor thy father and mother.
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That is a commandment for us.
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We are to honor our parents so that our days may be long.
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Yes, that is what scripture says.
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A commandment for us is and that's even as an adult, we are to honor our parents.
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We don't have to obey our parents.
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As children, as kids, as youth, we had to obey our parents.
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They had authority over us when we lived in our homes, yes, but as an adult.
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God says that we have to honor our mother and our father, we have to honor our parents.
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So to be saying this and you in a position of leadership to people, especially people who it's Some people hold that position that he carries in such esteem where you can say no wrong, you can do no wrong, a lot of people are not studying the word of God for themselves.
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As 2 Timothy says, to study, to show that self-approval done to God.
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Some people are not doing that.
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So they're listening to everything you're saying and they're taking it as that's it.
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If it's being said across this pulpit, that's it.
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If it's being said across this pulpit, that's it.
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I'm not going to study myself, so I can't go back to you and be like well, I know you said this, but when I go back to the word of God, that's not what it's saying.
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Or when I spent time with God in his word and I really talked to him about this because that's what I did, even though I knew this was not right when I heard it, because of my own personal relationship with God and my own journey with God and me being in the word daily myself with God I knew it wasn't true.
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When I heard it, like I already knew this and my own journey with with honoring my own parents and setting boundaries and having that kind of relationship with my own parents.
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I already knew this.
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But when he said it, my ears just shot up and my blood began to boil because everybody is not there.
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Everybody is not where I am, especially and I'm not trying to, I am not trying to portray I'm somewhere that I'm not.
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I'm flawed and sinful and make a whole lot of mistakes.
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But in this specific area, when it comes to parents and my own journey with God and trying to figure out that and be respectful and honor my parents as well as set boundaries and all of that man, I've been on that journey for years, trying to figure that out and honor my parents as well as honor my relationship with God and put him first.
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I've been on that journey for years.
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Because the issue with that is when you are saying that across the pulpit or anybody saying it, when you're telling people that and you're talking to people that's susceptible, who are not studying for themselves and they don't know, imagine how harmful that can be.
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Because what if you're talking to somebody who has toxic parents, parents who are not saved parents, who aren't walking with God, who don't trust God, who don't know God and you are, because this was being preached in church.
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So you got to assume that these people are trying to build a relationship with God, have a relationship with God, want to know God in some kind of way.
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Okay, so you're making this kind of assumption.
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So imagine if their parents don't want that at all or don't want that for their child.
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Their parents don't want that at all or don't want that for their child.
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What if they're trying to deter that?
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What if their toxicity is getting in the way of their relationship with God?
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What if they're trying to keep them from God and you're telling them that you have to obey your parents?
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What if they've been trying to set boundaries with their parents?
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Get in a healthy place with their parents where they're still honoring them, but also setting healthy boundaries with them where they don't get in the way of their relationship with God.
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They've been doing it.
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Maybe they've been doing working therapy.
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Or they hear from somebody that has been walking with God for a while that, no, you obey your parents.
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Even as an adult, you obey your parents.
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What if they hear that and now they throw everything away.
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They've been doing, all the healthy stuff that they've been doing.
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They now throw that away because they've heard you say no, you obey your parent, even as an adult.
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Oh, I thought you were supposed to have boundaries.
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Oh, I thought I should put God first.
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Oh, I'm supposed to obey my parents.
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Oh, my parents say I shouldn't be studying.
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Oh, my parents say I should still be in relationship with them.
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Oh, my parents say I should let them borrow money anytime.
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Oh, my parents say I should be doing all these things that aren't right, aren't healthy for me.
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Oh, but this preacher or this Christian that's been walking with God told me I should obey my parents, even as an adult, even if that hurts me.
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So yeah, honoring your parents, honoring your father and your mother, does not mean obeying them.
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If obeying your parents hurts you, obeying your parents meaning dishonoring God.
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If obeying your parents is going to take you away from God, if obeying your parents is not what's best for you in your walk with God, your well-being, your mental health, your physical health.
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No, you honor your mother and your father.
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You honor your mother and your father.
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You don't obey your mother and your father.
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You obey your parents as a child because they have authority over you, all of my kids.
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I have authority over them.
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They're all under the age of 18.
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They still live in my home.
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I still have to take care of them, I still have to provide for them.
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But once my kids are out of my home and of age, yes, they still have to honor me.
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I hope they honor me.
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I want them to honor me.
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I've invested in them.
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I've built that relationship with them.
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I really hope for that.
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I love my children, but do they have to obey me?
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No, I won't dictate that they don't have to obey me.
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So yeah, genesis 2 and 24 says Therefore, a man should leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.
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This is God's word.
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When a man and a woman get married, they leave their father and their mother and the two of them become one flesh.
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They separate from their fathers and their mother.
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They leave their parents home.
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And not only do they leave their parents home longer two, they're one flesh.
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So how can I obey my parents and I'm now one with my spouse?
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The two are no longer two, they're now one flesh with each other, and God set this in order.
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This is God's word.
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Therefore, a man shall leave his father and mother, hold fast to his wife, be united with his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.
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You're now one with your spouse.
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You don't have to obey your parents anymore.
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You honor your father and your mother.
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Now, what does it mean to honor?
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What does that look like?
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Let's first talk about what does honor mean.
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Honor means consideration, respect, esteem, admiration and high regard.
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You consider your parents, you show them consideration, you respect them, you esteem them, you hold them in high esteem, admiration, you admire them and you hold them in high regard.
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So how can you honor your parents as an adult?
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What are some practical things you can do, or what can this look like?
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One you can take an interest in their lives and in their feelings, and maybe this is something you've never thought about, especially if you don't have a close relationship with your parents, or even if you do have a close relationship with your parents, especially when you're switching over from that child-parent type of dynamic to an adult-adult dynamic, because that can be a hard transition.
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Sometimes parents have a hard time adjusting from that parent-child dynamic, because when you become an adult, you don't really need that parent-child dynamic.
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You need more of an adult-adult dynamic with your parent.
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So that could be a good way of honoring your parents, because now you can see your parent is a human being.
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And that may sound weird to say, but that helped me in my relationship with my mom, because my mom and I we've had a difficult relationship as long as I can remember, and I say difficult because things have been up and down since maybe my preteen years.
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A lot of things from my childhood are difficult for me to remember, but my mom and I have always had a up and down relationship and for so long I only saw her as my mom.
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Even in my adulthood I only saw her as my mom.
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But sometimes not even sometimes, let me not say that we have to see our parents as human beings.
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They're not just moms, they're not just dads.
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They are men and women who were once you.
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They were once little girls, little boys, teenagers, young adults.
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They had their own journeys too and you have to see them as people.
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You really have to see them as people and it helps you have compassion and show them grace and show them mercy and be able to see them past their mistakes, past the things where you feel like they could have done better, past the bad decisions or whatever.
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Whatever it is that you see wrong, it helps you see past it and see them just as human beings, the same as you.
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And I hope one day that my kids will be able to show me the same grace on some of the same mistakes that I've made, because I'm a human being as well flawed human being, who's made a lot of mistakes along the way.
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So, taking an interest in your parents' lives and in their feelings because, man, do they have feelings.
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They get hurt, they get upset, they have joy, they have happiness all of the feelings, man.
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So take an interest in their lives and their feelings.
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When the last time you asked your parents what they have going on in their life, do they have hobbies?
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Do they have things that make them excited?
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What movies you like to see?
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What's your favorite genre of music?
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When, when the last time, seriously, have you taken an interest in your parents' lives and how do they feel?
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Like?
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How you doing, Like legit, how you doing?
