Transcript
WEBVTT
00:00:06.570 --> 00:00:07.392
What's up, guys?
00:00:07.392 --> 00:00:09.294
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
00:00:09.294 --> 00:00:11.378
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
00:00:11.378 --> 00:00:16.995
We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective.
00:00:16.995 --> 00:00:18.399
Are you guys ready?
00:00:18.399 --> 00:00:19.841
Let's dive in.
00:00:19.841 --> 00:00:25.504
Hey, what's up, guys?
00:00:25.504 --> 00:00:28.146
Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo.
00:00:28.146 --> 00:00:39.631
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing having difficult conversations in romantic relationships.
00:00:39.631 --> 00:00:46.216
Before we jump into today's episode, we're going to take care of a little housekeeping business.
00:00:46.216 --> 00:00:50.737
If you are not already, stop what you're doing.
00:00:58.939 --> 00:01:05.689
Take a moment and follow me on TikTok and Facebook at Demo with Mo on Facebook, if you would join our private community dating, engaged and married objectives.
00:01:05.689 --> 00:01:22.174
On there, we have a community of people where we talk about all things dating and relationships, marriage, parenting just a beautiful community of people where we have a great time, where we relate to one another.
00:01:22.174 --> 00:01:25.108
We talk about things that we go through in life all things, relationships, all things where we relate to one another.
00:01:25.108 --> 00:01:35.888
We talk about things that we go through in life all things, relationships, all things where we can support one another, share things in common, things about life Just a beautiful place, a beautiful place to be.
00:01:35.888 --> 00:02:15.024
We've had that community there since I've started this podcast and it is a great place for you to have a place with people who you share things in common with and people that are different from you Different age groups, different ethnicities, people who are single and dating, people who have been married for a long time, people who are newly married Just a shared space where, if you're looking for a community, this is the place to be, and you can find me on Instagram, at Demo, with Mo Podcasts, and I would love to have you.
00:02:15.024 --> 00:02:21.362
For those of you who have been rocking with me from the very beginning, I just want to say thank you.
00:02:21.362 --> 00:02:27.493
I haven't said that in a while, but I just want you to know I appreciate you.
00:02:27.493 --> 00:02:31.631
For those who may be new here welcome.
00:02:31.631 --> 00:02:33.728
I'm so glad to have you join me.
00:02:33.728 --> 00:02:36.628
I appreciate you, I really do.
00:02:36.628 --> 00:02:46.883
I don't take it for granted that you are here If this is your very first episode, if you have been here for a little while, or again, if you've been here from the very beginning.
00:02:46.883 --> 00:02:52.442
Wherever you found yourself on this journey with me, I don't take it for granted.
00:02:52.442 --> 00:02:57.010
Thank you so much for joining us with the Demo, with Mo community.
00:02:57.010 --> 00:02:58.334
I appreciate you.
00:02:58.334 --> 00:03:02.330
I really do appreciate you being here, but without further ado.
00:03:02.330 --> 00:03:09.947
Let's go ahead and jump into today's episode Again having difficult conversations in romantic relationships.
00:03:11.469 --> 00:03:15.685
How do we have difficult conversations with our partners or our spouses?
00:03:15.685 --> 00:03:18.955
What even makes these conversations difficult?
00:03:18.955 --> 00:03:27.894
Well, I did a little research to figure out what are the key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation with your partner.
00:03:27.894 --> 00:03:30.669
What even makes the conversation be difficult?
00:03:30.669 --> 00:03:39.026
Because for some of us, it may be easy, certain conversations may be easy, and for others, that same conversation may be.
00:03:39.026 --> 00:03:41.492
We may be dreading it.
00:03:41.492 --> 00:03:44.282
We may be absolutely dreading it.
00:03:44.282 --> 00:03:45.604
We may be dreading it.
00:03:45.604 --> 00:03:46.965
We may be absolutely dreading it.
00:03:46.965 --> 00:03:59.377
So HeleneBrennercom, who's a licensed psychologist for over 30 plus years, she talked about some key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation with your partner.
00:03:59.377 --> 00:04:03.743
What makes this conversation be difficult?
00:04:03.743 --> 00:04:06.609
One sensitive subjects.
00:04:07.790 --> 00:04:21.524
Discussing topics like finances, family issues, past relationships, infidelity or personal insecurities can trigger strong emotions and make a conversation challenging.
00:04:21.524 --> 00:04:34.192
Two disagreement on core values, something that's very important to you that may not be as important to your spouse or your partner.
00:04:34.192 --> 00:04:47.692
When partners have vastly different views on important life choices like child rearing, career paths or religious beliefs, it can lead to tense conversations.
00:04:47.692 --> 00:04:49.442
Have you ever been there?
00:04:49.442 --> 00:04:51.927
I definitely have.
00:04:51.927 --> 00:04:55.814
Number three poor communication skills.
00:04:55.814 --> 00:04:58.202
Not actively listening.
00:04:58.202 --> 00:05:11.307
Interrupting using accusatory language or failing to express needs clearly can escalate conflict and hinder productive dialogue.
00:05:11.307 --> 00:05:24.607
Four unresolved past issues If previous conflicts haven't been addressed properly, they can resurface and complicate current conversations.
00:05:25.279 --> 00:05:27.509
Y'all ever heard of sweeping things under the rug?
00:05:27.509 --> 00:05:29.605
Yeah, that's what this is.
00:05:29.605 --> 00:05:42.649
When you don't properly address something the first time, or even the second time, what happens is when you're addressing something else, it's liable to come back up.
00:05:42.649 --> 00:05:48.773
Nine times out of 10, that thing is going to resurface and come back up.
00:05:48.773 --> 00:05:55.312
Six fear of hurting the other person.
00:05:55.312 --> 00:06:06.853
Sometimes bringing up a difficult topic can lead to worry about causing pain or damaging the relationship, making it hard to initiate the conversation.
00:06:06.853 --> 00:06:12.773
So if you're weighing out man, how's my partner or my spouse going to feel if I bring this up?
00:06:12.773 --> 00:06:22.810
If you're always constantly weighing that thing out, thinking about how they're going to feel, they can keep you from addressing things that really need to be addressed.
00:06:22.810 --> 00:06:32.548
Talking about things that really need to be addressed, talking about things that really need to be discussed, even though it may hurt your partner or your spouse's feelings, even if you may have to get your feelings hurt.
00:06:32.548 --> 00:06:51.872
Sometimes that's part of the territory, that's part of that comes with it, sometimes, because it's a difficult conversation, we may have to get our feelings hurt sometimes because this goes back to unresolved past issues.
00:06:51.872 --> 00:06:57.365
If we don't address it now, it's going to eventually come back up, it's going to have to be talked about.
00:06:57.365 --> 00:07:02.826
It's going to have to eventually be addressed anyway, so let's go ahead and deal with it right now.
00:07:04.149 --> 00:07:06.656
Six defensive posture.
00:07:06.656 --> 00:07:19.389
When one partner becomes defensive or dismissive of the partner's concerns, it can shut down open communication and make it harder to reach a resolution.
00:07:19.389 --> 00:07:49.423
So if your partner, your spouse, is trying to address something, bring up a concern that they have, an issue that has come up in a relationship, instead of getting dismissive or defensive.
00:07:49.423 --> 00:07:55.185
Like, really hear them out, really hear what's going on in their heart, really hear their concern.
00:07:55.185 --> 00:08:02.824
And last but not least, number seven avoiding the conversation.
00:08:02.824 --> 00:08:04.995
Oh, that's a good one right here.
00:08:04.995 --> 00:08:15.600
If one partner tries to sidestep a difficult topic by changing the subject or withdrawing, it can prevent productive discussion.
00:08:15.600 --> 00:08:25.485
Okay, so let's go ahead and get into some ways or some tips for having difficult conversations.
00:08:25.485 --> 00:08:32.163
So now we've talked about the key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation with your partner or your spouse.
00:08:32.163 --> 00:08:42.164
So now let's talk about some tips on having the difficult conversations with our partners or our spouses and how we can do better going forward.
00:08:42.164 --> 00:08:44.133
And I'll encourage you.
00:08:44.173 --> 00:08:46.759
Take inventory While you're listening to me.
00:08:46.759 --> 00:08:50.294
Give these tips, ways you can do better.
00:08:50.294 --> 00:08:53.842
Or if you're already doing this, I encourage you to take inventory.
00:08:53.842 --> 00:09:02.100
Take a moment if you have pen and paper, or if maybe you may be listening to this while you're walking or on a drive or washing dishes.
00:09:02.100 --> 00:09:06.041
Take a mental note, but take personal inventory.
00:09:06.041 --> 00:09:18.898
Don't point the finger at your partner or your spouse or maybe you want to send this episode to them or share with someone that you think this episode would help or they would enjoy or be beneficial to them.
00:09:18.898 --> 00:09:20.211
But I encourage you.
00:09:20.231 --> 00:09:21.715
This is a personal one today.
00:09:21.715 --> 00:09:24.620
This is a personal one today.
00:09:24.620 --> 00:09:26.764
You take personal inventory.
00:09:26.764 --> 00:09:31.078
Where are you, say, where am I in this?
00:09:31.078 --> 00:09:40.514
Monique is giving me these tips on ways to have these difficult conversations with my partner or with my spouse.
00:09:40.514 --> 00:09:41.556
Where am I?
00:09:41.556 --> 00:09:44.860
Am I doing these tips that she's giving?
00:09:44.860 --> 00:09:47.245
Difficult conversations with my partner or with my spouse?
00:09:47.245 --> 00:09:48.086
Where am I?
00:09:48.086 --> 00:09:49.148
Am I doing these tips that she's giving?
00:09:49.148 --> 00:09:49.788
How am I doing these?
00:09:49.788 --> 00:09:50.370
Am I doing these well?
00:09:50.370 --> 00:09:52.431
Could I be doing better?
00:09:52.431 --> 00:09:54.152
Am I not doing them at all?
00:09:54.152 --> 00:09:55.533
Where am I?
00:09:55.533 --> 00:10:02.918
This is time for you to take accountability and do personal inventory, not point fingers.
00:10:02.918 --> 00:10:05.061
My partner could be doing this better.
00:10:05.061 --> 00:10:06.961
They're not doing this at all.
00:10:06.961 --> 00:10:09.063
I'm not doing it because they're not doing it.
00:10:09.063 --> 00:10:10.605
No, no, no, no.
00:10:10.605 --> 00:10:14.028
This is personal inventory.
00:10:14.028 --> 00:10:18.061
Where am I?
00:10:20.149 --> 00:10:21.913
Number one be prepared.
00:10:21.913 --> 00:10:25.019
Plan what you want to say and when you can talk.
00:10:25.019 --> 00:10:37.990
So don't just jump out there you feeling upset, you got something you really want to get off your chest and you know, don't go in like that, don't go in hot like that, because it's not going to Think about the bigger picture.
00:10:37.990 --> 00:10:47.635
Because when you're having a difficult conversation, the bigger picture is I want to resolve this, I want to get in a better place, I want to fix the issue.
00:10:47.635 --> 00:10:57.142
Because usually when you're having a difficult conversation, you're upset, you're mad, your feelings hurt, you want to, you know.
00:10:57.142 --> 00:11:05.356
But the bigger picture is I want to resolve this, I want to fix the issue, I want to address this, I want to fix the issue, I want to address this, I want to be in a better place.
00:11:05.356 --> 00:11:07.255
So don't go in hot.
00:11:07.255 --> 00:11:17.139
Plan what you want to say, what is it that you want to talk about, what is it that you want to address and then plan when you can talk.
00:11:17.730 --> 00:11:25.053
Maybe the best time to talk is not when you pick up the kids from school or daycare and you're fixing dinner.
00:11:25.053 --> 00:11:29.581
The house is hot and busy and a lot is going on.
00:11:29.581 --> 00:11:31.171
Maybe that's not the best time.
00:11:31.171 --> 00:11:39.394
Maybe after you put the kids to bed you guys have that one-on-one time and it's just you and your partner or your spouse.
00:11:39.394 --> 00:11:44.818
Or maybe the best time is when you guys have set aside some time and you're going on a date night.
00:11:44.818 --> 00:11:49.402
But plan what you wanna say and plan when you can talk.
00:11:50.070 --> 00:11:55.296
Number two start positively, start on a good note.
00:11:55.296 --> 00:11:56.114
Don't go in.
00:11:56.114 --> 00:11:58.690
You never do this, you never do that.
00:11:58.690 --> 00:12:01.697
You always do this, you always do that.
00:12:01.697 --> 00:12:07.527
Don't go in hot like that because it goes back to the previous factors of what makes the conversation difficult.
00:12:07.527 --> 00:12:12.480
The person is going to automatically get defensive because you already own them.
00:12:12.480 --> 00:12:15.774
You're already coming in critical, you're already coming in hot.
00:12:15.774 --> 00:12:20.572
Start in on a positive note because, again, remember the bigger picture.
00:12:20.572 --> 00:12:23.902
You want to end in a good place.
00:12:23.902 --> 00:12:25.614
You want to end on a good note.
00:12:25.614 --> 00:12:26.797
You want to resolve this.
00:12:26.797 --> 00:12:27.799
You want to fix this.
00:12:27.799 --> 00:12:29.150
You want to be in a good place.
00:12:29.150 --> 00:12:31.294
Start on a positive note.
00:12:31.294 --> 00:12:33.958
Choose your words carefully.
00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.424
Number three be respectful.
00:12:37.424 --> 00:12:41.619
Don't interrupt or speak down to your partner or your spouse.
00:12:41.619 --> 00:12:44.812
Speak to them the way you would want them to speak to you.
00:12:44.812 --> 00:12:47.599
That's self-explanatory.
00:12:47.599 --> 00:12:50.750
Don't cut them off while they're talking.
00:12:50.750 --> 00:12:54.255
Don't be ready to respond while they're talking, Like.
00:12:54.255 --> 00:12:56.719
Be respectful.
00:12:56.719 --> 00:13:00.123
Number four be an active listener.
00:13:00.123 --> 00:13:04.889
Ask questions and try to understand their perspective.
00:13:04.889 --> 00:13:10.106
So active listener is actually listening to them while they're talking.
00:13:10.106 --> 00:13:21.542
You know how sometimes people can be talking and we're on go, we're not even really listening to them because we're already actively putting our response together of what we're going to say to what they're saying.
00:13:21.542 --> 00:13:24.056
So we're not really listening to what they're saying.
00:13:24.056 --> 00:13:27.875
Like we hear the words coming out their mouth but we're not really listening.
00:13:27.875 --> 00:13:31.514
We're really not trying to hear their point of view, hear their perspective.
00:13:31.514 --> 00:13:33.841
We're really not concerned about how they feel.
00:13:33.841 --> 00:13:36.772
Be an active listener.
00:13:37.854 --> 00:13:40.037
Five use I statements.
00:13:40.037 --> 00:13:44.484
Express your feelings and needs without blaming your partner.
00:13:44.484 --> 00:13:49.738
So don't go in and say you make me feel you always do this.
00:13:49.738 --> 00:13:58.255
I wouldn't have done this if you wouldn't have no take responsibility for how you feel in your actions.
00:13:58.255 --> 00:13:59.437
Use statements.
00:13:59.437 --> 00:14:12.515
I feel hurt by this, I feel alone, I feel sad, I feel upset, even though you still feel the ways you feel.
00:14:12.515 --> 00:14:17.945
Take responsibility and accountability for how you feel.
00:14:17.945 --> 00:14:20.735
Don't put it on your partner or your spouse.
00:14:20.735 --> 00:14:23.241
You still can address how you feel.
00:14:23.241 --> 00:14:27.998
You still can express how you feel, but use I statements.
00:14:29.321 --> 00:14:31.404
Number six empathize.
00:14:31.404 --> 00:14:35.437
Try to understand and share your partner's feelings.
00:14:35.437 --> 00:14:44.309
You don't have to agree with how your partner or your spouse feels to understand and share your partner's feelings.
00:14:44.309 --> 00:14:48.432
I can see why you feel that way.
00:14:48.432 --> 00:14:53.354
I understand how you would feel that way.
00:14:53.354 --> 00:14:58.961
I'm sorry that you feel that way.
00:14:58.961 --> 00:15:04.258
Empathize with them the same way you would want them to empathize with you.
00:15:04.258 --> 00:15:11.520
They don't always agree with it, it doesn't always make sense to you, but you can empathize with somebody.
00:15:11.520 --> 00:15:14.067
You can come down to where they are.
00:15:14.067 --> 00:15:17.087
You can see how they would feel that way.
00:15:17.087 --> 00:15:17.409
That's empathy.
00:15:17.409 --> 00:15:18.235
You can see how they would feel that way.
00:15:18.235 --> 00:15:21.399
That's empathy.
00:15:21.500 --> 00:15:24.767
Seven be aware of body language.
00:15:24.767 --> 00:15:35.506
If you can see how you are expressing yourself and maybe by your partner or your spouse's body language, that they're not receiving what you're saying, be aware of that.
00:15:35.506 --> 00:15:39.542
Be aware of your body language when you're speaking to your spouse.
00:15:39.542 --> 00:15:48.980
Maybe you're yelling, maybe you're rolling your neck and popping your mouth and you know, maybe you're getting loud and aggressive.
00:15:48.980 --> 00:16:05.063
You know, pay attention to the body language, because sometimes it's hard to receive what somebody is saying, even out of body language, because you can be saying one thing but sometimes it's not received.
00:16:05.063 --> 00:16:14.366
Well, just out of body language Because I can be saying something, but if I feel like you're not receiving it, just out of your body language, it can shut someone down.
00:16:14.366 --> 00:16:18.240
So be aware of that.
00:16:18.595 --> 00:16:24.207
Number eight stay focused, stick to the topic and avoid tangents.
00:16:24.207 --> 00:16:35.659
So if you guys are going to have a conversation about finances, or you guys are going to have a conversation about parents, or you guys are going to have a conversation about your children, stay on the topic at hand.
00:16:35.659 --> 00:16:46.164
Don't have a conversation about finances and then go down the line about everything else that they're not doing or that you want them to do, about every other area in a relationship.
00:16:46.164 --> 00:16:48.884
Stay on the topic at hand.
00:16:48.884 --> 00:17:12.048
Avoid going on the tangent, because what will happen is you'll start talking about all these other things and what you guys desired to talk about, what you set aside time to actually talk about, it won't even get addressed because you went off on a tangent about everything else in the relationship and nothing got accomplished.
00:17:12.048 --> 00:17:15.857
Nothing got resolved.
00:17:16.858 --> 00:17:23.369
Number nine work together, find common ground and work toward a shared goal.
00:17:23.369 --> 00:17:26.518
You guys are on the same team.
00:17:26.518 --> 00:17:27.840
Don't forget that.
00:17:27.840 --> 00:17:30.506
You guys are not enemies.
00:17:30.506 --> 00:17:34.837
Work together, find common ground.
00:17:34.837 --> 00:17:39.528
If you guys are dealing with finances, the issue at hand is finances.
00:17:39.528 --> 00:17:42.837
If you guys are dealing with finances, the issue at hand is finances.
00:17:42.837 --> 00:17:43.439
What's the common ground?
00:17:43.439 --> 00:17:45.063
We want to cancel debt, we want to get rid of debt.
00:17:45.063 --> 00:17:46.945
Okay, that's our common ground.
00:17:46.945 --> 00:17:53.757
Even though we have different views about it, different perspectives about it, we feel like we want to get there different ways.
00:17:53.757 --> 00:17:59.781
That's why we keep bumping heads and having issues, and now that's the reason we have to have this difficult conversation.
00:17:59.781 --> 00:18:10.718
Our common ground is we both agree that we want to get rid of debt.
00:18:10.718 --> 00:18:11.459
How do we work toward a shared goal?
00:18:11.459 --> 00:18:17.208
How can we compromise and get to the shared goal of counseling debt?
00:18:17.208 --> 00:18:26.435
How can we work together of counseling debt?
00:18:26.435 --> 00:18:27.179
How can we work together?
00:18:27.199 --> 00:18:27.922
Number 10, evaluate your solution.
00:18:27.922 --> 00:18:37.009
So when you guys work together and figured out how you guys were going to counsel that debt, now you evaluate your solution After implementing what you discussed.
00:18:37.009 --> 00:18:39.035
Check in to see if it works.
00:18:39.035 --> 00:18:41.202
This is your last step, number 10.
00:18:41.202 --> 00:18:44.263
So you guys figured out how you're going to cancel that debt.
00:18:44.263 --> 00:18:47.604
Let's say, three months later, that was your goal.
00:18:47.604 --> 00:19:01.523
You said three months later, we're going to check in with one another and we're going to see how is it working, because something about relationships and marriages you guys don't have to keep doing things the same way.
00:19:01.523 --> 00:19:04.845
Yes, this is what we agreed on once upon a time.
00:19:04.845 --> 00:19:10.061
But if it's not working, you can change things, you can do things differently.
00:19:10.061 --> 00:19:12.694
So evaluate your solution.
00:19:12.694 --> 00:19:20.636
This is the way we, three months ago, we said at three months, we're going to check in with one another and we're going gonna see how this is working.
00:19:20.636 --> 00:19:22.743
We check them with each other.
00:19:22.743 --> 00:19:24.108
It's working doggone it.
00:19:24.108 --> 00:19:24.751
That's awesome.
00:19:24.751 --> 00:19:25.976
We're gonna keep going at it.
00:19:25.976 --> 00:19:38.681
But if, three months later, we check in and this is not working for either one of us, or even just one of us, it's not working let's go back to the table, let's go back to the drawing board and let's figure out another solution.
00:19:38.681 --> 00:19:41.428
And three months, months later, we'll check in again.
00:19:42.674 --> 00:19:51.009
So these are your 10 steps, your 10 tips for having difficult conversations with our partners or our spouses.
00:19:51.009 --> 00:19:59.615
Difficult conversations are not easy, and that's in no relationship.
00:19:59.615 --> 00:20:02.759
That's platonic relationships, that's with family.
00:20:02.759 --> 00:20:07.115
That's what our partners, our spouses, our children, it doesn't matter who is with.
00:20:07.115 --> 00:20:10.141
Having difficult conversations is not easy.
00:20:10.141 --> 00:20:12.546
I'm not even finna.
00:20:12.546 --> 00:20:16.440
Sit here and pretend and and act like it is, and for some people it may.
00:20:16.440 --> 00:20:26.644
May, you know, there may be some unicorns out there it may be easy, but it wouldn't be called difficult conversations if it was easy.
00:20:27.386 --> 00:20:31.481
But what I will tell you is beneficial, it's needed.
00:20:31.481 --> 00:20:47.656
It can ruin a relationship when these things need to be addressed and they need to be talked about and we avoid them and we don't have them Because the things that need to be addressed, they don't go away just because you don't have the conversation.
00:20:47.656 --> 00:20:58.680
It's just like a fire in a house, in a room Just because you don't put out the fire, the fire don't go away.
00:20:58.680 --> 00:21:11.541
The fire just gets bigger and it spreads, and it starts in one area of the house and then it spreads to the next area of the house and the next thing you know, your house is burned down and that's not what you want.
00:21:11.541 --> 00:21:15.023
So have the difficult conversations.
00:21:15.295 --> 00:21:27.025
I hope these key factors that contribute to a difficult conversation and these tips on how to have the difficult conversations, I hope these practical things have helped you.
00:21:27.025 --> 00:21:40.990
I hope it has encouraged you and I hope it has helped you take a personal inventory of your own life, of your own relationship, of your own marriage, to see where you are and what you can do to be better, because that's the goal.
00:21:40.990 --> 00:21:42.921
None of us are perfect.
00:21:42.921 --> 00:21:44.981
None of us will ever be perfect.
00:21:44.981 --> 00:21:46.701
None of us is getting it all right.
00:21:46.701 --> 00:21:47.644
We can all grow.
00:21:47.644 --> 00:21:50.123
Every day we should be trying to grow.
00:21:50.123 --> 00:21:56.987
Every day we should be trying to be better Better partners, better spouses, better wives, better husbands.
00:21:56.987 --> 00:22:00.023
Every day, we should be trying to grow to be better.
00:22:00.023 --> 00:22:06.026
So I hope today's episode has helped you Totally helped me.
