Learning from the Past and Understanding How It Affects the Present

What's up, guys? Welcome to Demo with Moe. I'm your host, monique Simmons. We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in. Hey, what's up, guys? Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Moe. I am your host, monique Simmons. Welcome back, season six. I am excited to be back. I have thoroughly missed you guys. I have been working on a lot of things behind the scenes and I am just excited to be back. I hope you guys have missed me as much as I have missed you guys. I'm excited to be back. I do want to give you guys a little sneak peek of just the things we're going to be talking about over this new season. For season six, we will be having guests joining. Before we started season five and as we were ending season four, I did a survey to kind of see what you guys were interested in. What did you want more of? Kind of what things were you not interested in? What were you not looking for? One of the main things across the board was wanting me to interview more guests. So we will have a lot more guests interviews, the same way we did in season five. So I'm really excited about that, and one of our big hits for season five was the let's talk conversations, which is stemming from my podcast group. If you are not a part of that community, what do you weigh in on? Come on over to Facebook and join us. Join our relationship community dating, engaged and married objectives where we talk about all things relationships, from dating, relationships being engaged, marriage and all those things that affects those things Not getting into all your business, let me put that out there, but just all of the ways these different things, these different topics and subjects affect us in our relationship. So if you are interested in any of those things, come on over and join our community, where you will have support and encouragement and accountability and where you can learn that you are not alone. That's been one of the biggest things for me that I've not only experienced but I've seen in the community with other people, with people realizing that they're not alone in the things that they face, not only in their relationships but as an individual, the day-to-day things that we face in life because y'all know life can life, life be life and to realize that you are not alone, that you're not the only one that faces the things that you face and feel the way that you feel and go through the things that you go through on a day-to-day basis or in different seasons of your life, whether that's in your relationship or raising children, or on your job and in your career, with your families or finances, or just your peace of mind, all of the different things that we go through you just realize that you're not alone and to know that you have a community of people who can be there for you. And even if you guys are not physically there because we have people all over the place a lot of people are not based in the same city or even the same state but just to know that you have this community of people that may have different perspectives and different opinions or thoughts about something, it's just good to have that support. It makes a difference and I'm speaking from personal experience, not just as the creator and moderator of that group, but as a person who community in my village has impacted my life in such a beautiful way. That was one of the main reasons of why I started that group, because of how much community has personally affected me personally. It's made such a difference in my life and I know how rare that can be for a lot of people. Everyone doesn't have that. So many things that we take for granted, a lot of people don't have, a lot of people don't have. So I wanted to start that. So if I haven't made you excited to come on over there and join us, I don't know what else will, but I really hope if you have heard something that has gotten you, has caught your attention a little bit, or something that piques your interest, or something that you think may be beneficial to you personally, or your relationship or your marriage or wherever you are, because, again, this is for those dating in a committed relationship, engaged to be married or married. Wherever you are on your journey, your relationship status, come on over and join us. Come on over and join us. I would love to have you, the group would love to have you, and we just want to be a part of your journey. Yeah, but again, that's where the last talk conversation stand from that community and we ended up starting to use it those conversations on the podcast last season and season five, and I had such amazing feedback from those conversations and those podcast episodes and people love them so much, so you will be seeing those and hearing those as well for season six, so I'm excited about that as well, because y'all we had some dope conversations for our last talk, so I'm excited about that for season six, but y'all we got some great stuff coming up. I'm really excited about this new season and I know I say this every season. You're probably on the other end, listening to this wherever you are. If you're on a walk in your car, driving on a treadmill, exercising at your computer, that's working in your shower, in your bathtub, doing some self care, whatever, you are cooking dinner for your family Because you know, I'm just naming all of the things that I usually do when I'm listening to podcasts, because that's kind of my time for myself when I'm enjoying my favorite podcasts. But wherever you are, why you are listening to this, I just want you guys to know I'm really excited about this season and I'm excited to see what God is going to do through this podcast and what he's going to do for you personally, to you, whoever you are, that's listening to this right now, because I know that I am talking to a array of people and you guys are all on different journeys and in different places of your life, but I want you to know, if you are listening to this right now, that this is personally for you, this is specifically for you, and I hope that you get exactly what it is that God would have you to receive, and not just from today's episode, but from this whole entire season. That you get exactly what you need, wherever you are. Remember to follow me on all social media platforms on Instagram at demo with Moe podcast, on TikTok and Facebook at demo with Moe. 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All right, let's dive into today's episode. Today we are going to be talking about learning from the past and understanding how it affects the present. So today we are going to be talking about well, let me say referencing. Let me preface that we're going to be referencing a TV show called the Teema, and I want to put this disclaimer out. I am not promoting this show, I am not telling you you should go watch this show, but this is a show that I personally myself watch and this last season really got my gears going and it really it really got me to thinking like how much our past, our childhood, how we were raised, the things that we saw, we went through, we faced, how we grew up all of that how it really affects our present time, especially when we don't deal with it. We don't face it, we don't address it, we don't talk about it, especially if there were negative things that happened back then. So today we're going to be talking about how can we learn from our past and understanding how it affects the present. So the show is called the Teema. It was created by Tyler Perry. Come on, it comes on BET+. The characters that I'm really going to be focusing on and referencing is Zach, who is played by actor DeVal Ellis, and Fatima, who is Zach's fiance, who is played by actress Crystal Renee Haisley. And just a quick summary of the TV show. It is about a couple who got together and they were having a good relationship and they had some bumps in a row and I won't go into details about all of that because I'm really not focusing on this whole TV show, because, again, this is not me promoting this TV show, but I want to purposely focus on what they're facing in this latest season and what they've been going through in the latest episodes in their relationship, because this is going to tie into what we're talking about on today's episode. So Dave hit some bumps in a road, some things they faced in their relationship, and they are engaged to be married Well in their relationship. Fatima has done a lot of self-work Before they even got together. Used before they got together, fatima was seeing the therapist. She's done a lot of individual work and worked through some things in her past and some trauma that she had from previous relationships and she's just more self-aware and more in an emotional, healthy place. That's Fatima. That is Zach's fiance. Well, zach has a lot of baggage from his past but a lot of Zach's issues, or a lot of Zach's baggage that he brings into the relationship. Zach doesn't necessarily want to talk about his childhood, his relationship with his family. He never really brings it up at all, like he doesn't talk about it. If it kind of comes up, he doesn't, you know, he does anything to avoid the conversation. Well, in the latest episodes his brother ends up finding out where Zach lives Because, just for context purposes, zach does not have a relationship with his family. He's kind of been disconnected from them. He's been disconnected from his family. Zach has ran into some money and he's kind of doing better for himself. He has this relationship with the character Fatima. They've bought a new home, they're living together, they're kind of doing, they're kind of in a much better place. Well, his brother finds out where Zach is living. He pops up at their home and stuff begins to hit the fan. A little history of his background. His mom and brother are both on drugs. He kind of grew up taking care of himself. His mom was a prostitute. His dad, which they're really not sure about, his dad is his dad was his mom's pimp, maybe. And this is just again. I'm really trying not to go into a lot of details of the show, but this is just to give you context of Zach's background and to give you context of why he's really not open and talking about his family and where he comes from and how, why he kind of avoids this whole conversation. But again stuff hits the fan because his brother pops back up into his life. So now it's kind of like you really can't avoid it. So all of these emotions and all of the things that Zach has been suppressing and avoiding all this time he's been in this relationship with Fatima is now all bubbling up to the surface, because now his brother is here and now he can't avoid the things that he's been avoiding all this time. So his brother's here, his brother's asking him for money, saying his mom needs money, and now when his brother comes, it's like this switch changes in Zach. He switches back to someone you don't even recognize and he reverts back to this person that he used to be Like you don't even kind of recognize who he is now. So now him and Fatima, his fiance, they begin to have issues. She's wondering what's going on? Why are you acting this way? Who is this person? Because, again, she doesn't know any of his background when it comes to his family. So she finds out this is his brother and yeah, okay. So they began to have issues and everything begins to now fall apart. Well, the show goes on a season break, the show comes back and I'm leaving out a lot of stuff because this is just me giving you kind of a summary so you can have context, of kind of what's going on with Zax's character and how it's affecting their relationship. Well, the season comes back. Season two comes back and it opens the episode back up with Zach and Fatima having a big blow up. Zach and Fatima are in the house having a big argument and Fatima's best friend is there with her to get her things. Fatima brings up Zach's mom and Zach loses it, because at this point the previous episode before the season goes on break Zach's mom comes to Fatima and lies to her and says that Zach cheated on her, which is not true. He didn't cheat on her. But that's what Zach's mom told her. So everything is hitting the fan. So Fatima is at the house to get her things and Zach and Fatima mentions Zach's mom and Zach loses it. He begins to throw things and begins to spiral completely out of control and he said his mom is off limits, you don't get to talk about her, you can't mention her, don't say her name, and it just goes out of control and that's it. It's so much more to it and it's so much more. Again, this is not me promoting this TV show at all, but it's important because I'm referencing this TV show to talk about how learning from our past and understanding how it affects our present. Because sometimes we think, once we grow up, once we leave our parents home, once we walk away from whatever because it doesn't even have to just be our childhood or from our parents or from how we grew up, it could be from past relationships that we were in prior to the relationship that we're in now. We think, once we walk away from that, then now that I'm in this relationship that I'm in now, or now that I'm not in those circumstances anymore, that won't affect me anymore, that what happened in the past won't affect me presently. We don't ever deal with what happened in the past. It will always affect present day and that's kind of what we're going to delve into today. So I just wanted to give you a little context of how all of the things that's that that happens to Zach from his childhood, from his upbringing, how he was raised, his relationship with his mom and his brother and that neglect and all of the things that happened to him, how it now affects his relationship with his fiance in prison time and how he was avoiding talking about those things and not dealing with those things and he thought that he disconnected from them, that it was over with, that it would not affect who he was today, but it not only affected his relationship with his fiance, but it affected his relationship with his friends and on his jobs and other relationships as well. So our past it affects our present day and it not only affects us in our intimate relationships, but it affects our other relationships as well our friendships with, on our jobs, in our churches, whatever we're connected with people. If we don't deal with those things from our past, they will affect us Ignoring our past, pretending it didn't exist, not wanting to talk about it or for some, not to deal with the people from it doesn't change how it affects us in our present and even how it affects those we love and who love us. Three ways our past can affect our present. One if we haven't forgiven the people who may have heard us in the past, we can sabotage the relationships in the present because we think they are eventually going to do the same thing to us Leave, walk out, neglect or abuse us, etc. One of the other things about Zach's character with him and his mom's relationship. He had abandonment issues. His mom would leave him constantly. On one of the episodes he had a therapy session and he struggled with this because Fatima I told you Fatima was his fiance, the one who had did a lot of self work, who had been in therapy for years before she even got into a relationship with Zach. Before she even got into a relationship with Zach, she wanted him to do therapy but she couldn't convince him to do therapy. So she ended up trying to manipulate him and she ended up tricking him and got a therapist to come to dinner one day and he had a pretenses that it was a friend that she invited to dinner but not a therapist, which was very manipulative and it backfired on her. But again, I won't get into all of that because but Zach ended up deciding to do therapy and in his first therapy session he talked his mom and his brother into coming and he got the therapist to talk his fiance Fatima into coming and he began to break down his relationship with his mom. He finally faced his mom and I told her how she neglected him and how she always left him at home by himself and how she was never there for him and how she didn't want him and how she told him no one wanted him and no one would ever love him. He just broke down in that therapy session and broke down to his mom and his brother about all the things that they had did to him all those years. And the reason that I'm saying this and why it's important to this point is because he had never done that before and because he had that broken relationship and those abandonment issues with his mom. He took that into all of his relationships with every other woman that he ever had. So every time things were good in a relationship with a woman, including his fiance Fatima, he would sabotage the relationship and think that this woman is eventually going to do the same thing. My own mother, who gave birth to me, the one person who was supposed to love me unconditionally. If she could not love me and not leave me and take care of me, how can this woman love me and not leave me and not walk out on me? How? So? That's what he would continue to do over and over and over again, but he finally faced his mother and he finally said all these things to her. And once we are able to do the same thing and in your case it may not be your mom, like Zach, but whoever that person is, who may have hurt you in your past it could be an ex, it could be a family member, it could be somebody who physically harmed you, who took advantage of you. You know. You know you who are listening to this right now. You know who the person is who may have hurt you, who you need to forgive, or maybe you've already walked through that, through that forgiveness. But wherever you are, if we haven't forgiven the people, we can sabotage those relationships in our present Two. If we suppress how we really feel or, for most, don't talk about it at all, those suppressed or repressed emotions will affect us in the present. When we suppress, it's when we purposefully push those feelings down or put them to the side. And don't get me wrong Sometimes we may need to do that. If we have to pick up our kids from school or we have an important job interview and we just got some bad news, we may need to suppress those feelings just for the moment so we can get done what we need to get done or take care of business. But we don't purposely continue to suppress those feelings and never come back to them. That's when it's unhealthy. We can't continue to ignore them, push them away, act like they're not there. That's not healthy, that's an issue. And to repress your emotions, that's where you unconsciously avoid uncomfortable feelings, like you don't even realize that you're doing it. You've been doing it so much. You don't even realize that you're doing it. You're just doing it unconsciously. You don't even recognize those emotions. This is just something that you're doing as a habit. It's just you don't even realize it. Web Nd says this can affect our mental and physical health, and I wanna give you some practical ways that this can affect you, cause you may be listening to this and you think it's all well and dandy that you don't express or your emotions or that you suppress or repress your emotions. You may think that's okay, and this is me speaking from someone who in the past have done both. So there may be some of you who are listening to this who may think it's okay, that's not gonna affect me, that's not gonna bother me, that's not going to harm me. Well, I did a little research, cause I don't wanna just be talking to you and just sharing with you anything. So I did a little research and Web Nd says how this can affect us mentally and physically. It can cause high blood pressure, heart disease, digestive problems, infections, low energy, pain, heart disease, hypertension, increased stress levels, which plays into the heart disease and the hypertension and the high blood pressure. It even shows that it can cause depression and anxiety. So I don't know about you, but I don't wanna continue down the road of suppressing and repressing my emotions, and that only does it affect our physical and mental health. It also affects our relationships. It keeps us from saying what we need, facing conflict and feeling connected and intimate with others, and this is not just in romantic relationships, but this is also in those other relationships that I told you about your friendships on your job, with your church family, with your extended family. Three we can fall back into old habits, responses or ways of dealing with the triggers we experienced from our past in prison day. So I told y'all when Zach's brother, when he popped up back into his life, it was like a switch turned on for Zach. He started acting like a completely different person. And you know why? Because Zach was triggered when he saw his brother. It triggered back all of those emotions and all of those feelings, all of those things that he had suppressed, all of those things that he had pushed down and put away and put it into a little box and thought he was gonna be able to ignore and not deal with. But once he saw his brother and saw his mom, all of those things that he had not dealt with, that he had ignored, that he had put off it all came rushing back in. So his old habits and his old ways of dealing with things and responding to things, and how he flipped out on Fatima and was throwing things and screaming and yelling, and all of those ways he acted, those were his old habits, because he was triggered. And that's what can happen when we don't begin to deal with those things, those old habits, when we are triggered, when we are reminded of something and they don't have to be with something that that person that's in our prison day is doing right now, but it can trigger those old feelings. Something you do to me right now can remind me of how I felt when I was 12 years old. It can remind me of how somebody made me feel back then, or what my ex did to me, or what my ex said to me, or how someone hurt me or rejected me, or how they lied to me, or how they abandoned me, or how they left me, or how they mistreated me. It can trigger all of those old feelings. And if I don't deal with it, if I don't express that, if I continue to suppress it and ignore it and act like it's not fair and, yeah, I can begin to fall back into old habits. If I deal with, if I struggle with rejection, when I feel like you're rejecting me, I might fall back into an old habit, like if pornography was your thing. If your partner or your spouse rejects you, you may fall back into watching pornography if there was something that you struggled with in the past, because pornography may feed that not feeling rejected. Or if you feel dismissed, you may shut down or do the silent treatment. But instead of coming back in a healthy way and talking about it, you may go days and not talk because that was your old habit. Your old way of doing things, or your old habit may be yelling and fighting and cussing and screaming, and because that was your old habit. Maybe that's how you grew up, that's what you saw, that's how conflict was handled. That may be your old habit. That may. That may trigger that you went back to that old habit. That may be your thing. Okay, so we've talked about three ways our past can affect our present. Now we're gonna talk about three ways we can learn from our past and we're gonna time into the three ways that our past can affect our present. So the first one is forgiving the people who hurt us in the past, whoever that is. You know who the people are who hurt you in your past, which we talked about in our first point earlier when we talked about how our past affects our present. But the ways we can learn from our past is first by forgiving the people who hurt us in the past. This does not mean what they did was okay. It does not justify their actions. But in order for us to truly begin our healing journey and not allow our past to affect our present in a negative way, we'll need to forgive. This forgiveness is for you. I'm sure you've heard that a million times. Forgiveness is for you. The character Zeg that I referenced multiple times throughout this episode today in the show Zatima wasn't able to begin his journey to healing and so he faced his mom and his brother in that therapy session that I told you about. He was honest with them and he said clear boundaries with them on how the relationship would have to look going forward. Now, what they did with that, that was totally up to them. But what he would accept and what he would allow from them going forward, that was on him. But that forgiveness piece that's for you. Forgiveness is a choice. Reconciliation, now, that's a process, because sometimes we can forgive but there may not be reconciliation, because reconciliation, it takes all parties involved to want to reconcile. But forgiveness, you can do that alone. But for you to really begin your healing journey, you have to forgive. But that's a choice that you alone have to make. With each point we will reference a scripture verse. We're gonna look at Mark 11 and 25. And it says but when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your father in heaven will forgive you your sins too. And this is Jesus talking. If someone has hurt me in my past, I don't want my unforgiveness towards them. I don't want what they did to me and how they hurt me to interfere with my relationship with God, because when I'm unforgiving towards them, that hinders my relationship with God, because I need to forgive them. If I wanna go to God and ask them for forgiveness and I don't know about you, but I don't want somebody that hurt me, matter of fact, I don't want anybody to get in the way of my relationship with God. So, again, their forgiveness is for you. The next point, and this is number two, we can acknowledge things that happened in the past and the emotions we fill out them. We can begin to talk and open up individuals in our lives that could be our spouse or our partner, friends, wise counsel or our therapist. We can journal, do self-checkings, asking yourself how you're doing. You know how we ask others how they're doing. We check in with the people that we care about and we love just to see where they are and how they're feeling and how life's treating them. But we can do those check-ins with ourselves as well. I know if this is something that you've never done, it may seem odd at first, but the more you do it, the more comfortable and the more normal it'll begin to feel to you like how am I doing? Like, how am I feeling? How am I really doing? Where am I? How am I feeling about life right now, about what's going on with me right now, in this season of life that I'm in? Do check-ins with yourself and also use our statements to feel better and get comfortable with your emotions. For example, if you have to have a hard conversation or you did have a hard conversation, use the I statement. I feel good about that. Or I need to talk to my husband or my wife or my mom or dad, and I'm going to talk to them. And I'm going to talk to my mom or dad and I'm feeling a little anxious about it. I'm a little nervous about it. It begins to work through those emotions. Why am I feeling a little anxious or nervous about it? Where is that coming from? What's going on? Begin to work through that. Those I statements help you get comfortable with those emotions. It helps you to realize how you're feeling in the moment good or bad and it's not so uncomfortable to you, it's the norm for you. But use those I statements All throughout the New Testament, in the Bible. Jesus, who was God in the flesh, who was God in the flesh. He expressed various of emotions and he is supposed to be our example is believers and Christians. And if he openly expressed his emotions, why shouldn't we be able to do the same thing? Or why should we feel like it's something that we shouldn't do or is not okay to do, because it is? He expressed anger at the hypocrisy of the religious leaders and maved you 23, verses 29 through 33. Yes, woe to you, pharisees and your religious leaders, hypocrites. But you build monuments to the prophets killed by your fathers and lay flowers on the graves of the guy and me and they destroy and say we certainly would never have acted as our fathers did and saying that you are accusing yourselves of being the sons of wicked men and you are following in their steps, filling up the full measure of their evil snakes. Sons of vipers, how should you escape the judgment of hell. He expressed disgust, a greed and oppression of the poor. And John after 13 through 16. It says then it was time for the annual Jewish Passover celebration and Jesus went to Jerusalem. In the temple area he saw merchants selling cattle, sheep and does for sacrifices and money changers behind their counters. Jesus made a whip from some ropes and chased them all out and drove out the sheep and oxen, scattering the money changers coins over the floor and turning over their tables. Then, going over to the men selling those, he told them get these things out of here, don't turn my father's house into a market. Jesus also expressed the emotional sorrow in John 1132 through 35. When Mary arrived where Jesus was, she fell down at his feet saying Sir, if you had been here, my brother would still be alive. When Jesus saw her we've been in a Jewish leaders with her he was moved with indignation and deeply troubled. Where is he buried? He asked them. They told him come and see. Tears came to Jesus's eyes. So through our scripture, you see where Jesus, over and over and over again, show various ways of him showing emotions. And we are no different. Emotions are normal, emotions are healthy. We have to express them. We cannot suppress them and ignore them and act like they are not there. But we have to have a healthy outlet of talking about them and sharing them and giving them a voice in a healthy way. We trusted individuals. There has to be a balance. And the last point, number three instead of falling back into old ways, when we are triggered, we can allow that to inform us that there is still a part of us we need to deal with. It exposes those hidden parts of us that truly need to be healed and worked on so that we can be the best versions of ourselves. It's easy, just being perfectly honest. It's easy to fall back to what's natural to us, to what feels comfortable, to what we've always done, to the way we've always responded, to the way we've always acted, to the way it's always been. But that's not what's best for us. If you are a Christian, we are supposed to be new, we are supposed to be transformed. We are supposed to be different. So let's see what the Bible has to say about this. Let's go to 2 Corinthians, 5 and 17. It says when someone becomes a Christian, he becomes a brand new person inside. He is not the same anymore. A new life has begun. Ok, let's turn over to the Old Testament, ezekiel 36 and 26, and I will give you a new heart. I will give you new and right desires and put a new spirit within you. I will take out your stony hearts of sin and give you new hearts of love. Ok, let's turn over to Philippians, chapter 1, verse 6. And I am sure that God, who began a good work within you, will keep right on helping you grow in his grace, and so his test within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns. Ok, so when you are triggered and you will be you will be. It's just things are going to remind you of things of the past. Things are going to bring up old feelings, old things that happen. It is just likely that this can happen. But instead of falling back into old ways always is a respondent old ways of dealing with things, old ways of comforting yourself, let your triggers inform you that there's stuff to still work on. Take this as an opportunity is OK. This is still bothering me. I am still hurt by this. I still feel some type of way about this. Let me deal with this. Let me not ignore this. Let me not sweep this under the rug. Let me not pretend that I'm OK, but let me now acknowledge this for what it is OK. This reminds me, or makes me feel with rejection. I feel rejected in this area. When this happens, rejection comes up for me. Why am I feeling rejected? What is this reminding me of? Let those triggers inform you that there's some work that needs to be done, and begin to do that work so your triggers can help you learn from your past so that they don't have to affect you in a negative way in your present. All right, y'all, learning from the past and understanding how it affects the present. Your past does not have to control you. It does not, but you also don't have to ignore it. You don't have to pretend, you don't have to avoid talking about it. It doesn't have to control your life. Those things happen. You can forgive, you can move on from there. That can be a part of your life. You can learn from those things and you can grow and be the best version of yourself, but it doesn't have to control you anymore. I really hope you have enjoyed today's episode. When you get the opportunity, I encourage you to go back and read those scriptures for yourself, and the verses that I read today was from the Living Bible translation, but whatever your favorite translation is and what would help you understand those verses, I encourage you to read that translation for yourself. Whatever will help you understand God's word for you, that's what I encourage you to read. But I really hope you guys enjoy today's episode and I'm excited to be back. I'm excited about season six. Share this episode, let everybody know we are back, but share this with your people. Share this with your friends, your family, your loved ones, anybody that you think this episode will help and encourage, wherever they are. Remember I love you, but God loves you so much more and I'll see you guys next week. Bye, guys. I hope you guys have enjoyed.