Transcript
WEBVTT
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what's up, guys?
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Welcome to demo with mo.
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I'm your host, monique simmons.
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We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective.
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Are you guys ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, what's up, guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo.
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I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing leaning on your partner.
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So sometimes in relationships, romantic relationships and marriages we can go through a difficult season, but not necessarily a difficult season in the relationship per se, but it can affect the relationship or the marriage.
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But sometimes each partner can be individually going through something in their lives.
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It could be dealing with family issues, something on their job, something with their health.
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There are so many things that we can be going through individually that's affecting us, and when those things begin to affect us, we should lean on our partner.
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I'm sure a lot of us who are listening to this we know, logically speaking, we should be able to.
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If we are in a relationship, especially a healthy one, if we are in a romantic relationship, a healthy one, if we are in a romantic relationship, a committed relationship, in a marriage, we should be able to lean on our partner or spouse, and our partners and our spouses should be able to do the same thing.
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They should be able to lean on this and I'm heavy leaning on should because we know our relationships aren't perfect, our relationships aren't done the same.
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Everyone don't require the same things, everyone doesn't expect the same things, everyone doesn't even know how to do these things.
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So that's what we're going to be discussing on today Leaning on your partner when you begin to go through these things individually and collectively, because sometimes both partners can be going through a hard season in their lives and it can be affecting that relationship of marriage.
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And I still, even if it's just one individual in that relationship, I still say you guys are going through because, myself being a Christian, my husband being a Christian, I consider us to be one.
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The Bible says the two have now become one.
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So anything that affects my husband is going to affect me.
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Anything that affects me is going to affect my husband.
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We are a package deal.
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So even if we're both not going through something, we are both going through something, okay.
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So, practically speaking, I was thinking for couples.
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When you're going through hard things, because we all will.
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I don't care who you are, even if you're a believer or not, even if you're in a healthy relationship or not.
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Even if you're in a relationship or not, we're all going to go through hard things, difficult times.
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It's just part of life.
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It's just part of life.
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We are in a sinful world.
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That's just the way it is.
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But when those things happen, do you lean into your partner, do you lean on your partner or do you lean away from your partner?
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Do you deal with things on your own?
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Do you figure it out by yourself?
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Do you pull away?
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Do you come out of the relationship?
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And people do that for various reasons, and I'm not here to bash anybody or any of those things, because I've definitely pulled away and leaned on myself and I've done that in my past.
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So I'm not here to bash or judge anyone, but this is for you personally.
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If you're listening to this, this is a conversation for you to have with yourself.
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Like, where am I in my relationship or my marriage when difficult things happen?
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Because they will?
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Do I lean on my partner?
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Does my partner lean on me, or do I pull away and do I try to figure it out on my own?
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Do I not talk?
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Do I not share about how I truly feel, what's going on?
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What do?
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I do, and we're going to talk about that a little bit.
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So maybe you're wondering what does it mean to lean on your partner?
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So, after a little research, I found this on Jennifer Siegmans, who is a licensed marriage family therapist, website.
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She says leaning on your partner or your spouse can mean acknowledging life's ups and downs and being willing to stand by them and provide emotional support.
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It can also mean being willing to have tough conversations with your spouse, showing that you care about them and that you're confident you can work through challenges together.
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So, now that you've heard this definition of what it means to lean on your partner or your spouse, this is for you personally.
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You're just listening to me.
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I can't see you.
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You can't see me.
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I'm not see you.
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You can't see me.
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I'm not with you.
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This is a personal inventory, because even when I was doing the research and preparing for this for myself, I had to take inventory with myself.
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Where am I?
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And we have to be honest, we can't say what we want it to be, what we wish it would be, what we desire it to be, what it used to be, but as of today, whatever day you are listening to this live where am I today in my relationship with my partner.
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Am I leaning on them?
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Are they leaning on me?
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If yes, that's awesome.
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That's beautiful.
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That's awesome, that's beautiful.
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And if not, why am I not leaning on them?
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Why aren't they leaning on me?
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What's going on?
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What's broken here?
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What happened?
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What's fractured?
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Why are we not leaning on one another?
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And these are some signs that you might be leaning out of a relationship.
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So these are some signs that show you might not be leaning on your partner or your spouse Avoiding difficult conversations, being unable to tolerate discomfort, sadness or anger, walling yourself off, disengaging over time.
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So that you have that information, take personal inventory and see where you guys are.
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So now we're going to get into some ways of how we can lean on our partner or allow our partners to lean on us.
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Okay, so this is more for if your partner or spouse is going through something and you want them to be able to lean on you, how can you respond?
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How can you show up?
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What do you need to do to make it a safe space?
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Naturally, I am not a person that opens up and shares a lot Like I can talk.
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I can talk with the best of you.
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I am very transparent.
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It's not a lot of things that I won't open up about, but when it comes to my vulnerability because some things you, some things most people consider vulnerable I don't consider vulnerable.
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It's easy for me to share.
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It's only it's only vulnerability.
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If it's scary for you to share, like this specific thing, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about it.
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I'm afraid to talk about it.
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I feel some way to talk about it.
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But if you can just share it and talk about it all willy-nilly, it's easy for you.
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You don't feel uncomfortable, you don't feel no type of way.
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That's not vulnerability.
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So you may hear me talk about things and you may think I'm being vulnerable, but I may not be being vulnerable.
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I'm just sharing about things and I'm being transparent because these things aren't uncomfortable for me to talk about.
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I'm just.
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I'm a very deep person that can talk about beyond surface level things, because that's just who I am as a person.
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That's just the type of person that I am.
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The things that I talk about on a regular Tuesday morning I'm talking about how you grew up as a child and what your dad did and how it affected you on a regular Tuesday morning.
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And for some people you don't want to talk about that you want to talk about the sun is shining and let's just enjoy coffee, and that's perfectly fine.
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But I'm just explaining to you who I am.
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So what may be vulnerable to you?
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When you hear me talk and share certain things, you may assume that I'm being vulnerable.
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But I'm not, because this is comfortable for me.
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But there are a lot of things that I'm not comfortable talking about or I'm not comfortable sharing, and it's uncomfortable for me and I feel some type of way about it and I may be insecure about it, or I don't want people to know this person like that or see them, and it's like it's just certain things that I don't.
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It's vulnerable for me.
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That's what I'm trying to say.
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It's more vulnerable for me because that's how you know when you're being vulnerable, when it's not so easy for you to shit.
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Okay, so first.
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First point is listen to your partner.
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Listen to not only what is being said, but also what is not being said, their tone, their body language.
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Do they want a solution or do they just want to vent and need your support?
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By just being there, sometimes we won't lean on our partners or they won't lean on us, because sometimes we be doing too much.
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I'm just I don't even know how to put it any plainer than it.
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Sometimes we do too much.
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Sometimes we want to give a resolution when our partner just wants to vent.
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They don't want.
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They know the answer.
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They know what they can do to fix this.
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They're not looking for an answer.
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I just want to be able to share with you how I'm feeling in this moment.
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I'm upset, I'm hurt, I'm disappointed, I'm mad, I'm ticked off, I'm afraid.
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I don't know what I'm going to do.
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I don't know how this is going to work out.
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I'm nervous.
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It's the emotions.
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They just want someone to be able to hear them out, to listen to them, to be able to voice their concerns and everything that's going on inside of their head.
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They want to be able to voice that out loud with somebody that loves them and whom they love, and for you to just be able to be there and support them.
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Sometimes you just physically being there is enough.
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85% of the time when I'm dealing with something.
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Maybe I'll say 75% of the time.
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I'll say 75% of the time.
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75% of the time when I'm dealing with something.
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I really just need the people in my life who show up for me.
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I really just need them to be there.
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I just need them to support me, to hear me and just be there.
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A lot of times I know the answer.
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I know what I want to do or what I need to do, because I'm in therapy, I'm doing the therapy work.
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So a lot of things I've already talked to my therapist about.
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I've already worked through myself because I told you guys, I'm not someone who just shares a lot of things.
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That's just not who I am.
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I literally have to trust you.
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You've earned that trust from me.
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I know it's not going anywhere.
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I know you want the best for me.
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I know it's not going anywhere.
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I know you want the best for me.
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I know you support me.
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I know you ride for me Like you've had to earn it from me.
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That's just not given to you.
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So if I'm at the place where I feel that way and now I'm sharing with you I've already worked through a lot of things before I've gotten to the point where I'm sharing with you, cause I've already talked to God about it, I've read God's word about it, I've talked to my therapist about it and now here we are.
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So a lot of times I already know what I want to do, or what I need to do, or what I should do, or what God has directed me to do.
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I just need you there to support me, to hear me, to just be there Now that other 25% of the time.
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Sometimes I need your feedback, I need your opinion, I need your perspective, because I may be crazy, like I may be.
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I may be, you know, I may need you to, like, talk me off the ledge.
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Or I may need, like, oh, I was thinking wrong on it.
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I may need that.
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But also, which is a great tip of advice, I encourage you, whether you're talking to your partner, your spouse, or even a friend or a mentor or someone you trust and have a good relationship with, if you're going to them and you don't, whether you want to vent or you need advice or support or whatever it is, let them know that upfront.
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So, like, even before you get into the spill or whatever it is, they already know.
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So cause you know when, when you talk and people already are preparing their response to whatever it is you're saying.
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You know a lot of people don't like to to think they're doing it, but you are.
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Think about the last time you got in an argument with your partner, your spouse, you were already.
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You already had your comeback or your response ready to go, because you was already preparing it as they were talking.
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So let them know upfront, like, man, I really need to talk to you and I just want to be like I don't want to answer or a solution.
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I literally just I just really need you to hear these thoughts going on in my head, cause it's a lot, and just need to get it out, like you can literally just say that or man, I got this decision, I need to be, I need to make.
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I've been praying, I've been talking to God.
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I feel like this is where God is directing me and I want to talk to you about.
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I just want to get my thoughts out and just do this make sense, like, do you think this is?
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You know that type of thing?
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But be upfront, you know, let them know what exactly it is you're looking for.
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That way, you're not hurt that they felt some type of way about you trying to give them advice or your opinion or your perspective, and that's not what they're looking for, and they're not hurt because you showed up for them in a way that they needed you to show up for them and when this happens, they will begin to lean on you.
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And vice versa, when you know you got somebody that's going to listen to you.
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I have a few people in my life.
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I know for a somebody that's going to listen to you.
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I have a few people in my life.
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I know for a fact they're going to listen to me.
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They're not going to over talk me, try to cut me off, give me unsolicited advice.
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They're literally just going to listen.
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If I tell them that's what I need, they're going to do exactly just that.
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And you know what happens when things come up in my life, when I'm going through something difficult, if I need prayers or if I need encouragement.
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Those are the people that I want to go to, the people who are going to listen to me, not the people who think they know everything.
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Not the people who want to give me all the advice and figure out my whole life for me or speak for God or any of that.
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I want to go to the people who want to listen to me.
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Next point validate their experience and how they feel.
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Whether you agree or disagree does not change their perception about what is happening in their life, how they feel is important.
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Validation, oh my goodness, validation, please validate your partner or your spouse.
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It does not take anything to say, man, I can see how you feel that way.
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Oh, that would hurt me too.
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Something my husband and I bumped heads about.
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This was probably over a year ago, maybe I don't know, maybe it hasn't even been that long, but it honestly doesn't even matter, but something my husband and I bumped heads about.
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I had something going on with someone in my life and every time that I would try to like bring up how I felt about it.
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Because this is and this is usually men and I'm not putting this on all men, but this is this.
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A lot of men do this and this is not like a negative trait, it's a good thing, but it's just like it has its place.
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My husband is a.
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He wants to fix it, he just likes to fix things, and I had, I was dealing with something with someone in my life and I couldn't understand why they were doing what they were doing.
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Like I just couldn't understand it.
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But how I am as an individual, I'm going to address it with the person, and if they don't want to address it, because this is what this talked about earlier having difficult conversations.
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I am a have a difficult conversation person because I like to fix it before things spin out of control or turn into something that it doesn't have to turn into.
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And don't get me wrong, I don't like having difficult conversations, I don't like having them at all, like I literally if I didn't have to, I would never but I also like healthy relationships and I like fixing problems and I don't like avoiding things if there's an issue.
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So I was just expressing, I had been expressing over time like I don't understand why, how they could do the things that they were doing, how they could move the way that they were moving, basically the things that they were doing, how they could move the way that they were moving, basically, and my husband and this was somebody in my life that meant a lot to me, and so my husband would always like kind of justify this person and would talk about all the good things from this person's past and who they were in my life previously, but not the person that they've been to me over the the prison years and I say years because this wasn't like this was something new going on and he would always bring up, like who they were before and how things used and never validated how I felt.
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And how I felt was real, like it was really happening, it was justified feelings, like cause these things were truly happening.
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This was my real lived experience, like it was going on.
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My husband knew it, he saw it, he was experiencing it from the sideline and knew exactly everything that was happening.
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But because he could not fix it, that was his way of trying to fix it, by shining a good light on this person, basically, and I never could wrap my mind around it.
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So what began to happen is and I hope this is helping you guys, I really hope this will help you because I'm sure there is a couple who's going to be able to relate.
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And again, this is nothing negative towards my husband, because in his mind, he was doing nothing wrong.
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Because I love this person, I wanted to be in relationship with this person, I wanted things to be worked out, but the other person wasn't moving towards that.
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So my husband was trying to fix it the only way he knew how to fix it, but it was hurting me.
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What he was doing was hurting me because it's like you don't understand how I'm feeling and what I'm experiencing and instead of validating what's going on with me, you keep telling me good things about this other person.
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So one day we were in with our couples therapist and this conversation came up and she brought up validation and explained to my husband that you have to be able to validate Monique's experience of what's going on, and she began to ask some questions about were these things happening?
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And he was like, yes, all of these things are happening, exactly the way she's saying they're happening.
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This is her experience.
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I know this firsthand.
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She first explained what he was doing because he couldn't put words to it.
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He just kept trying to say great things about this person from their past and she explained to me that this was his way of fixing it.
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Instead of having to deal with my emotions and how I felt about it because it was hurting me, and instead of him having to see me hurt and disappointed and sad and all of the different emotions that I was experiencing around this, his way of trying to fix that and rectify it was to remind me of how it used to be.
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Just if I could just see this person is the way they used to be and how our relationship used to be, but not the way it was right now.
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It would help me.
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It could help me to feel better and not be hurt because he could not deal with all of the big emotions that I had.
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But I didn't need a resolution, I didn't need an answer, I just needed to be validated, that my feelings mattered, that how I felt was real, because these things were happening to me and I had the right to feel this way.
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I had the right to be hurt, I had the right to feel disappointed and I had the right to feel sad.
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And our therapist began explaining this to he and I and he began to understand exactly what I've been saying for this whole time.
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But she put it into words that he could understand and she put what he was doing into words that I could understand.
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And the point I'm saying is validate your partner's experience and how they feel, even if you don't understand it, even if you don't get it, even if their emotions and how they feel is too much for you and you don't know what to do with it, because sometimes we're not dealing with our own emotions and how we feel about things going on in our own lives, so we definitely can't deal with somebody else's.
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Even if you're not able to do that, just validate them.
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Let them know.
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I understand how you could feel that way.
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I would feel hurt too.
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I would feel sad too.
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Whatever the emotion is, just validate them.
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Let them know that their experience is real.
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You see it, you get it, even if you don't agree.
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Even if you don't agree, you can still validate them.
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Three empathize.
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Allow yourself to let your guard down and imagine what your partner is going through and how it's affecting them, even if you're the cause of it.
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Even if you're the cause of it.
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Do you hear this?
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Because we're talking about romantic relationships and marriages.
