Transcript
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what's up, guys?
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Welcome to demo with mo.
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I'm your host, monique simmons.
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We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective.
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Are you guys ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, what's up, guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo.
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I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing ways to support your partner or spouse better.
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To support someone in a relationship means to actively encourage, help or stand by them, often by providing emotional or practical assistance, showing approval and believing in their ability to succeed, especially during challenging times.
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Some key aspects of supporting one another.
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So, when you think about your relationship with your partner, someone you in a committed relationship with your spouse, if you're married when you think about your support for one another, how you show up for one another, how you show up for them, how they show up for you, what does that look like?
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What does that entail?
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Do you do it well?
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Do they do it well?
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Do you feel like they support you?
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Do they feel like you support them Because it's not about what you think you do for them Do you feel like you support them?
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But how do they feel?
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I had this conversation with some of my group members in our let's Talk Thursday live edition.
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If you're listening to this live, I had this conversation with them last week and I usually ask them some questions before we dive into my research on the topic.
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I always ask them questions around the subject to get you really thinking, because sometimes you really can think you're good, like if you're honest with yourself, like legit.
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If you're honest with yourself, you can think you're good, you're in a really good place in your relationship.
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I got it all together.
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But my partner is the issue.
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My spouse is the problem.
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They could be doing this better, they could be doing that better.
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But if you really take the time to be honest with yourself, if you really take the time to do self-evaluation, if you really take the time to look at yourself in the mirror, especially if you're a Christian or a believer if you get in that real mirror in the word of God and compare yourself to what the word says, you'll find out you ain't all that.
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So one of the questions that I asked them.
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I asked them Do you show up?
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Do you show your partner or your spouse the same, less or more support than you show the other people in your life who are close to you and you know, with that question, you know you can, you can jump quick, you can jump out there quick, yeah, quick, yeah, man, I show, I show them more or I show them the same.
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You know you can jump out there quick and think you all good.
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But then I followed up with that question with a second part that will hit you in the gut.
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You know, because it hit me in the gut if, if I'm being transparent, if I'm being honest, it hit me in the good and I'm the one create the questions.
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But something about me, I'm going to hold myself accountable, I'm going to be honest, even if it means calling myself out, even if it means I'm going to have to feel bad, even if it means I got to correct some stuff, even if it means I got to repent, I got to confess, I got to change, I got to course correct, I got to hit a 180, even if it means that, because I don't want to stay the same, if something that I'm doing, if a way that I'm living, if a way that I'm acting, if a way that I'm treating my spouse, if something I'm saying or something I'm doing is not right, I want to change.
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I don't want to stay the same.
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So the second part to that question was if they were here meaning your partner or your spouse, the person that you're in a relationship with, because you just answered this question now if they were here would they agree with your answer?
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So if you said you support them more than the people that are close to you in your life, if your partner or your spouse was right here sitting next to me, would they say oh yeah, that's right, I agree with them.
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They do show up for me more than the people that's close to them in their lives.
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They show up more than their friends that they love so deeply, more than that job that they hold so closely, more than their mama that they love, more than their favorite brother, their favorite sister, more than their grandma, that grandma that cooked them the meals they love your partner, your spouse, still would agree.
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And that's a gut check.
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That thing, man, that thing gets you to thinking like, well, hold on, hold on, hold on.
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Let me not answer this question so fast, let me not speak too fast, because I don't know.
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I really don't know if I support my spouse or my partner as much as I think I do.
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I don't know if I support them as much as I support the people in my other people in my life who are close to me.
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I don't know.
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I want to, but maybe I don't.
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Because what do they think?
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Because it's not about what I think.
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How does my partner or my spouse feel?
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Let me ask them, let me check in.
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Well, baby, do you feel like I show up for you?
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I support you more than other people in my life.
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Well, honey, do you feel supported by me more than other people in my life, or do I run at every chance to show up for everybody else more than I show up for you?
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It's a good check, but you gotta be honest with yourself because you wanna take your relationship to another level.
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Ways we can support our partner and spouses better.
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That's what this is all about.
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So let's get into these key aspects of supporting one another.
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What does this look like?
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How can we do this better?
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Because that's the whole point of this conversation, the whole point of today's episode, and I'm not going to keep you long because it's practical application.
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What does this look like?
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What can we do?
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How do I do better?
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Monique, if you punched me in the gut earlier with that question what can I do now?
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One listening attentively.
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This means giving someone your full focus when they need to talk.
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If your partner or your spouse needs to talk to you, listen attentively.
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Don't be on your phone, don't be looking out in space, don't be trying to watch TV, don't be paying attention to the kids, don't be doing everything else.
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Listen attentively.
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I just had this conversation with my babies in my Sunday school class.
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I call them my teenagers.
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They're not babies, they're teenagers almost graduating high school, about to be young adults.
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But I call them my babies because they're my babies.
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But I was talking to them about this this past Sunday and I'm teaching them.
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I try to instill this in my kids.
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I've been telling my kids this my actual babies that I gave birth to.
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I've been trying to instill this into them since they were old enough to talk.
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When you are talking to somebody, when someone is talking to you, give them eye contact, look at them, let them know you are listening to them.
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They have your attention and not that you're looking anywhere else.
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If someone is talking to you, if you are talking to them, make eye contact, Look them in their eyes, pay attention, give someone your full focus Two offering encouragement, providing positive words and affirmations to boost their confidence.
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If your partner or spouse needs your support, offering encouragement helps.
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Sometimes somebody can be going through a rough spot in their life.
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They're overwhelmed.
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Things are heavy, a lot of things are going on.
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They're down right now.
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Provide positive words and affirmations to boost their confidence.
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Remind them they're doing a great job.
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Remind them of who they are Sometimes we forget.
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Remind them of who they are Sometimes we forget.
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Sometimes the storms of life, what we're facing, what we're going through.
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We're getting beat up by the world.
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Lord knows we can be getting beat up.
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We need to be reminded who we are, whose we are.
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We need those positive affirmations.
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We need those positive words.
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We need to be reminded you got this.
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I love you.
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You are the best.
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You can get through this.
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You are a beautiful Black man Woman.
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You are gorgeous, you are strong, you are capable.
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You can make it through this.
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This is not the end.
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This is not over for you.
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You will overcome this.
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I've seen you get through harder things.
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Boost their confidence, boost their confidence, and we need the same thing.
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So this is what I'm saying to you is not one-sided.
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This is not something you should just be giving and not receiving, but offer encouragement.
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That confidence gives people the boost they need.
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We need that support and if we're not getting it from nobody else, it should be the person that we are in relationship with, the person that we're doing life, with the person that we share a home, with the person that we have kids, with the person that we lay in bed at night, with the person that we've shared vows, with the person that we have a covenant before God with.
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Offer one another encouragement.
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Three validate their feelings.
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Acknowledging and accepting their emotions is legitimate.
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You don't have to agree with it, you don't always have to understand it, but acknowledge it and accept it.
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Their emotions are legitimate.
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You don't have to feel what they feel, but they feel it.
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Acknowledge that and accept it because it's legitimate If they're hurt, if they're sad, if they're disappointed, if they're afraid, if they're angry, if they're feeling broken, angry if they're feeling broken.
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Acknowledge that.
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Accept that their emotions are legitimate, just like yours are.
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I acknowledge that you feel that way.
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I accept that you feel that way.
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How you feel is legitimate.
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You don't know how good that feels, even if you don't understand it and don't agree with it.
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Just to tell somebody to validate someone's feelings that feels so good on the other side, because you don't get that in the world.
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You don't get that out a lot of times outside of your home unless you're dealing with people that love you, that actually care about you, that's concerned about you.
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You don't get that outside of that.
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People validate your feelings.
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People do everything but validate your feelings.
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So validate your partner or your spouse's feelings.
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So validate your partner or your spouse's feelings.
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Number four providing practical help, offering concrete assistance with tasks or problems they face.
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Now, this one is a good one.
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This is one that I do well, and sometimes too well, because, going back to number one, listening attentively.
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Sometimes you just need to listen without offering or providing practical help.
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Sometimes people just want you to listen.
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They don't want anything from you.
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They don't want your answers.
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They don't want you trying to fix their problems, figure it out for them.
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They literally just want you to listen.
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I don't need you to figure this out for me.
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I literally just want you to listen.
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I don't need you to figure this out for me.
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I don't want you to tell me the answers.
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I don't want any of that.
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I just want you to listen, I just want you to listen, but with this one, providing practical help is needed.
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Sometimes people do need help.
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I'm overwhelmed, I need you to come in and help me actually do something.
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So this one's offering concrete assistance with tasks or problems they face.
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So let's say I'm overwhelmed at work and I need some help.
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I'm having to work overtime, the load at work is heavy and I have little kids.
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They have after school activities, they have to eat dinner.
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I have laundry.
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I'm overwhelmed right now, but I can't do all that I have going on at work.
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This is what your partner or your spouse is venting to you, sharing with you, confiding in you.
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This is what they're telling you, like, this is where you can actually provide practical help.
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I'm not only venting, but I'm sharing with you things that you literally can take off my plate.
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These are things where you can actually provide concrete assistance.
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You can help, you can do something.
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You don't only have to listen to me Because listen, listen to what the person just said.
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I'm overwhelmed at work, I have a lot on my plate.
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I have to work overtime, meaning I'm going to have to stay at work longer hours.
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We have little kids.
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They have afterschool activities, which means this kids are going to have to be at school longer hours, they need to eat dinner and we also have laundry.
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So all of these things have to get done.
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But this partner or spouse also has to be at work, so that mean they can't be at two places at one time.
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So this now opens the door, gives you the opportunity to offer practical help.
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So this is where you can step in and say okay, I'll make sure if I either can pick up the kids or I'll make sure someone in our village, in our community, can pick up the kids.
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The kids will be taken care of, I'll get dinner cooked or dinner will get picked up, will get takeout, and I'll make sure the laundry is done.
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All of these things will be taken off of your plate because you already have work and work is overwhelmed.
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You have to work overtime, so you're going to be there extra hours.
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You can't do that, plus take care of all the things that we have at home.
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So now I'm offering or providing practical help to make sure I'm supporting you so all of the things that you usually would do gets done.
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That's what supporting is.
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I'm still making sure all of the things that needs to be get done, gets done.
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I'm not in this.
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In this instance, I'm not just going to listen to you.
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I'm not just going to listen to you vent or hear your cry and just be there and listen attentively or offer encouragement.
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But this is a time where I can actually step in and offer or provide practical help.
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This is where I can actually do something.
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Boots to the ground.
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How can I show up?
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How can I support you practically?
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Number five being present, showing up for them physically and emotionally when needed.
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Okay, so this one is a little different from providing practical help.
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Sometimes people just need you to be there, just being present.
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I don't need you to offer any practical help.
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Sometimes I don't even need you to say anything.
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I don't need you to have the nice special words or have the answers or do anything.
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I just need you to be present.
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Sometimes I can be so overwhelmed.
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I just need to know I'm loved, I'm cared about, I'm seen.
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You thought about me, you know me, you hear me.
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Just be present Emotionally, meaning if I do need to talk to you, if I do need to reach out, if I do need to vent, I know that you're going to be there for me.
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Even if I never do any of these things, it's the fact that I know you're there for me emotionally.
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I know if I need to reach out.
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I know if I need you emotionally, I know you're there, I know you're available.
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I know you will support me.
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I know you'll be there.
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If I need to cry, you'll be there for me.
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If I just need to hold the phone in silence and I need you to pray for me, because I can't even pray for myself, I know you'll be there for me.
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That's showing up for me emotionally, being present physically, if I need you to just be here and not say a word, just be in my presence, literally just be here with me, sit on the couch with me, lay with me, rub my back, rub my feet, wipe my tears, pray in silence, pray out loud.
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Fix me a meal.
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Be present with me physically.
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I know you'll be there for me.
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Fix me a meal, be present with me physically.
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I know you'll be there for me.
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Be in prison and I think this one is underrated, because I think we're in a society where people always feel like they got to say something or always feel like they got to have the right words and they have to do something, or I always feel like they got to have the right words and they have to do something.
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But sometimes your presence, it means so much, and that one, for me personally, means a lot, because I don't.
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I'm an assertive person.
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I'm a type of person where if I need something done, I'm going to just do it.
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That's just who I am as a person.
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So a lot of things that I need done, I just get done.
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So sometimes, when I'm overwhelmed or life is life and life is knocking me upside the head or trying to, anyway, I'm knowing that I have people in my life who are present for me, just being there, knowing that they are there, ready to be there for me, emotionally, physically, whatever I need the fact just knowing that they are present.
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It means so much, even if I don't need them to do anything.
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The fact that they'll just hit me with a checking in on you thought about you, you were on my mind.
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I know you got this going on and I know you good and I know you're going to say you good, but I'm still checking in that means everything to me.
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It means everything.
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So just being present with somebody for somebody, for your partner, for your spouse, be present, be present Again, so underrated.
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It's so underrated.
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It's so underrated.
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Be present, because you may be married to somebody or in a relationship with somebody.
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Don't always have the words, don't always talk about everything they're going through or they don't carry everything like that.
00:21:05.188 --> 00:21:13.569
Everything isn't always overwhelming or stressful, but it still gets hard sometimes.
00:21:13.569 --> 00:21:23.920
And just knowing you have a partner or a spouse that is present for you if you need it, it matters, it means something.
00:21:25.303 --> 00:21:31.077
Number six, last but not least, this one is good Respect their boundaries.
00:21:31.077 --> 00:21:35.022
Respect R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
00:21:35.022 --> 00:21:37.205
Find out what it means to me.
00:21:37.205 --> 00:21:39.108
R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
00:21:39.108 --> 00:21:47.688
Okay, okay, okay, Understanding their needs and not pushing them beyond their comfort zone.
00:21:49.615 --> 00:21:58.890
So my husband and I are very different, very different, especially when it comes to dealing with things in our life.
00:21:58.890 --> 00:22:11.691
When stuff happens, when we're overwhelmed, when we're stressed or when life is just lifing life just lifing when we need support from one another.
00:22:11.691 --> 00:22:14.416
We just have very different ways of dealing with it.
00:22:14.416 --> 00:22:18.827
I'm a person very direct, very let's talk about it.
00:22:18.827 --> 00:22:19.938
Let's deal with it.
00:22:19.938 --> 00:22:21.500
Let's face it head on.
00:22:21.500 --> 00:22:23.987
Let's go ahead and knock this thing out.
00:22:23.987 --> 00:22:25.557
What is it?
