Transcript
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what's up, guys?
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Welcome to demo with mo.
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I'm your host, monique simmons.
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We'll be discussing dating, engaged and married objectives from a young christian's perspective.
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Are you guys ready?
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Let's dive in.
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Hey, what's up guys?
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Welcome to a new episode of Demo with Mo.
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I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be discussing accepting help is not a sign of weakness.
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I want to start off by apologizing that we didn't have a new episode to release on last week.
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I have been recouping and resting and taking care of myself from a surgery, a major surgery that I had almost two weeks ago.
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If you guys have been listening and following the podcast, I did tell you that I was going to be without sharing too many details, that I was going to be without sharing too many details, that I was going to be doing some things to take care of my physical health, and that's what was going on.
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I had to have a major surgery for some health issues that I was having and I really didn't want to share too much because I didn't know how everything was going to go.
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That was my first time having any type of major surgery and you know things can happen.
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It was all in God's hands.
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But you know, things can happen and I just didn't want to share too much until we were on the other side of that.
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And here we are, thank God.
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Everything went well with the surgery.
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We were able to get everything removed and taken care of and I am feeling so much better Again.
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I am still recovering and resting and taking care of myself and even right now, as I am recording this, I am currently in my bed with my heating pad and I am taking care of myself.
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I am taking care of my physical health.
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Just like I told you guys, I'm getting into this new normal and I can't wait to be all the way on the other end of this journey.
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Let me not say that I can't wait.
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I can't wait to see what it looks like and just to see the full outcome of what the other end of this journey looks like.
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But I am going to take full advantage of this journey and the whole healing process and just every step of the way.
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I am going to take in the scenery and the experience and all that God is doing and just all of it.
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I'm in no rush, I'm in no rush and I'm just grateful.
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Everybody that has been here with me, the support, the love, just all of it my village, my friends, my church family, just my husband, my children, just everybody that has been a part of this.
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I'm grateful, as I'm sitting here and just thinking about it all.
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I'm grateful.
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I'm grateful because I remember a time not too long ago where I was just suffering through and then sometime after where I was talking to the doctors and figuring out and doing the research and trying to make a decision, and then making that decision and going through with it.
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And now here I am on the other side, where now I'm doing the recovery process and taking my time to get to that new normal and I'm just grateful.
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I'm grateful for it all.
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So if you have been rocking with me and you have been a part of this journey and a part of this process, I hope you are here with me and not necessarily going through the same thing that I'm going through, but I hope you are figuring out your new normal.
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I hope you are making the decisions to get you where you want to be, whatever that looks like.
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I hope you don't have to stay where you have been.
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I hope you get to where it is that God wants you to be so.
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Accepting help is not a sign of weakness.
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That's the topic we're going to be discussing today and just with this whole process of recovering from my surgery, this has been an eye-opener for me.
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Through my work in therapy I've learned that about myself and even before therapy I knew that about myself, but through the help of my therapist, she has helped me learn how to accept help and showed me that it's not a sign of weakness, and that's kind of what we're going to be talking about today.
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Even before my surgery, I knew from being in different Facebook communities.
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One particular my girlfriend told me about an enemy too, which has been a very great help to me with the recovery process and a lot of questions that I had, because it's a community of women who've had this surgery and they've answered a lot of questions and had a lot of things talked about.
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And it helps when you're a part of a community of people going through the same thing you're going through and face the same thing you face and things that you may wonder or want to know and have feedback, and it just helps to be a part of a community like that and that community has helped a lot.
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So I knew a lot of things as the time came up to my surgery and even with the recovery process, it has helped a lot.
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So, going into the surgery, there was a lot of things I knew I would not be able to do for four weeks and I was aware of these things.
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So a lot of things I was going to be dependent upon my husband, dependent upon my children, dependent upon other people.
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So help is what I knew I was going to need a lot of, because a lot of things I wouldn't be able to do physically myself.
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So it was nowhere around it.
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I was going to need help.
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Long story short, I knew I was going to need help.
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I knew I was going to have to be dependent upon other people.
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But even before the surgery, a lot of things I tried to prepare for and get done as much as I can so I wouldn't have to depend on them for everything, especially things I could do myself.
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If I could do it myself, I wanted to do myself, or at least have it ready and prepared to help them as much as I could, because that's just who I am.
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That's just that's just who I am.
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So as much as I can help them, I wanted to help them, help me Basically, if that makes sense.
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So all my people who are independent, who like to do things for themselves I know you understand what I'm saying as much as I can help them, help me.
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I wanted to be of help.
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Okay, so after my surgery, the first few days I could really do anything like not too much of anything for myself, so my husband and kids did most of the things for me.
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As the days went by, I was able to get my strength up a little bit and walk around and do a few things for myself.
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Those things that I could do for myself I try to do for myself.
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So the issue was never with my husband and my kids helping me.
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They helped me, I accepted their help, no problems.
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Okay, the problem came in is when other people my friends, my church, family, the people who close to me, who love me, who really know me they would reach out and want to help me and assist me and do things for me just to see what I needed or want to drop something off or send something by my husband or one of my kids or things like that, and they would reach out for those type of things.
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And that's when I could begin to see the growth.
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That's when I could begin to see the difference that therapy had made.
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And let me, let me be, let me paint the difference that therapy has made in this area for me and let me show you where I still need to grow.
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And this is just me.
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I want you to see for yourself where you are, where you could be, where you may need to grow.
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This is just me, this is Mo.
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You see for yourself where you are.
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Before therapy, I would not accept help, or I really struggled to accept help.
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You would have to, like you know how some people, if you wanted to give them money and they'd be like nah, nah, I'm, I'm good, I'm good, and you would have to probably like put it in their hand or drop it in their purse and they'll have to find it later, that type of thing.
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Or like you have to shake their hand or give them a hug and you leave it in their hand and walk away.
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That type of situation that's where I used to be before therapy.
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Or like give me a car and I read the car later and it was in there, that type of thing asking for help.
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That was a no-go, that that was a no-go.
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Like asking, like just flat out, like you didn't reach out to me first or check in on me, or we weren't just like having a conversation, but I just like, flat out, had to call you or reach out to you and just ask you for help.
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No, no, this is before therapy.
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No, that's where I was after therapy, even with this surgery, using this surgery.
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For example, every person that reached out to me um, for example, I had someone reach out to me mo, I'm headed to the store.
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I want to run by your house and bring this over for you.
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What would you like me to get from you, from the store?
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I'm already going to the store.
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It was like let me put this disclaimer out Most of these people not even most of these people, all of these people, but most of these people I have intimate relationships with, years, long relationships with.
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They know me, they know my personality, they know how I with.
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They know me, they know my personality, they know how I am, they know me.
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So this person, they let me know.
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It wasn't like I'm going out the way.
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I'm already headed to the store.
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I would like to bring you something.
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Stop by your house and drop it out for you.
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What would you like In this message?
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They're letting me know I'm not going out the way.
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It's not like, and not to say they're not going out the way because they are kind of going out the way because they come into my house, but it's like I'm not making an extra trip just to go to the store just for you, because me, being who I am, I'm going to say I'm good, because don't just go to the store just to go to the store just for you, because me, being who I am, I'm going to say I'm good, because don't just go to the store just to go to the store to get me something.
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They will let me know I'm going, I'm already going to the store While I'm at the store I can get you what you need.
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What do you need from the store?
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Because y'all this may sound wild, but that's just the type of person that I am.
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So, because I don't want people going out of their way, I don't want people inconveniencing themselves, I just don't.
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I just don't.
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I just don't.
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Okay, and I'm still working.
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I'm still growing.
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I'm not saying that any of this is okay.
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I'm still growing, but'm not saying that any of this is okay.
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I'm still growing, but I've come a long way.
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I told them exactly what I wanted from the store.
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I did not the old Monique before therapy.
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I would have said that I'm good.
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I would have waited till my husband got off work because my husband was at work.
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I would have waited till my husband got off work.
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I would have told him what I needed from the store.
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He would have got it.
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I would have waited till my husband got off work.
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I would have told him what I needed from the store.
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He would have got it.
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I would have been good.
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That's what the old Monique would have did before therapy.
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After therapy doing work with my therapist.
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My therapist working with me, letting me know it's okay to ask for help.
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It's okay to accept help.
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You're worthy of that.
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You do it for everybody else.
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Allow people to do the same thing for you that you do for them.
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People want to show you that love.
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This is something they want to do for you.
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Allow people into your life and into your heart the same way you do it for them.
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People want to show up for you.
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This is work that I've done in therapy and I've come to terms with.
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But it took work through therapy.
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So I sent them exactly what I wanted from the store, even sent the picture of exactly what it is, because it's different options of what I wanted.
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So I sent them the picture of exactly what I wanted from the store and you know, it was no problem.
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They brought exactly what it is that I wanted from the store, it was no issue.
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They dropped it off with my daughter Gone Goodbye.
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I told them how much I appreciated it.
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I thanked them.
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No issues.
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Oh, monique would have never done that, Never.
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I would have never been able to do that.
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But that was the work through therapy and I wasn't weak for that.
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That took strength for me to do that.
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I had to gain that.
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It took work through therapy to get to the place where I could accept help.
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And I'm still doing work because I got to be able to get up to the place where I could accept help.
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And I'm still doing work because I gotta be able to get up to the place where I can just ask for that.
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Because I have intimate, close relationships with people and don't get me wrong, let me say this, because I do have.
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I have a handful of people and I know I have more people than this in my life that I love and I know would stand 10 toes down for me and do anything for me, because I would do the same for them.
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But I have a handful of people that keeps me from asking for help.
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It's things within me that I deal with that I don't ask for help.
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It's not any reason or anything that they've done.
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It's not because of the other people.
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Let me make that clear.
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It's not them.
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I know it's me.
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I know it's because of things that I've dealt with in my past, in my childhood, and issues of my own that I deal with, that I struggle, but that's things I'm still working with in therapy where I know I'm going to get to the place.
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I know, without a doubt, that I'm going to get to the place where I feel 100% comfortable even asking for help, because I've gotten to the place where I accept help.
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I've had so many people who've shown up for me with the recovery of my surgery.
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Who've shown up for me.
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I mean just shown up.
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I had a church member two days before my surgery and it I mean this.
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It blessed me so much.
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It blessed me so much.
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One of my church members who cause I teach Sunday school and this is one of my church members that I teach Sunday school with she made some homemade chicken noodle soup because I couldn't cook for myself and I don't really like eating out.
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I love home cooked meals, I do.
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And she made homemade chicken noodle soup.
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And not only did she make the homemade chicken noodle soup, she froze it for me in individual serving bags, so when I heated it up I didn't have to heat up like a big pot of it.
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I can heat it up in individual servings so I could just eat it in that one serving.
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And it was multiple bags to get me through a whole week after my surgery.
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I finished it all now.
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But y'all that just that did something to my heart and I didn't ask her for that.
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She didn't ask me that I want her to do that for me.
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She just called me and said I want to drop something off with you.
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Is it okay if I came by?
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She came by my house, dropped it off, and I don't know if she did.
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She dropped that off for me.
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She prayed with me for my surgery.
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Did she drop that off for me?
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She prayed with me for my surgery and that just that meant everything to me, and not only her.
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I've had multiple people in my life.
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I had people to mail me care packages with, like my favorite things in them, like I love tumblers and candles and fuzzy socks, like I've received all these things.
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I've had another church member to make me a home cooked meal and drop it off Like, and it's not even the things, it's just the fact that people want to show up for you in that way.
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And the point I'm making in all of this is to accept that help, that people want to be able to show up for you in that way, and to not accept that because I'm thinking about it from the other side, because I've always in the past, before therapy, I've always only thought about it from my perspective, like I don't want to come off as weak.
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I don't want to come off as I'm taking advantage or I'm using you, and I know that's not what people think, think of me at all, and I know that, logically speaking, I know that I don't want to come off as I'm inconveniencing anyone or I'm taken away from what they have going on or taken away from you know, their family, or just I never wanted to make it about me.
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That was always the things going on in my mind.
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I never wanted to make it about me.
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But then, when I flip it around, I'm always the person who love, I love helping people.
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Like I love showing up for people, I love doing for people.
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It does my heart so good to show up for people, to buy them gifts, to support them, to just, I mean, whatever they need if they're sick, if they've had surgery or procedure, if they're not doing well, even if they are doing well and you just got to show up for an event, their birthday, I mean whatever I am the person who wants to do that, and it's not just about the things, it's just because that's what makes my heart happy.
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Like I want to be able to show up for you, because I want you to know how much I love you, how much I appreciate you, how much I care about you, how much you mean to me, and this is the way I can tangibly show you.
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Like my words aren't enough, even though I'm going to give you the words too, but my words don't do justice, my words aren't enough.
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Like I just want you to know, without a doubt, and if this is the way I can show you tangibly, practically.
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I want to be able to show you, I want you to know, I just want you to understand, and when I began to think about it like that, that I would deny somebody that, because if someone denied me that it hurts, it hurts Like that's not their intention, because that's never my intention.
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I don't want to deny anyone that.
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I don't want to deny anyone that I don't want to deny someone to show me that they love me, that they care about me, that they appreciate me, that they just want to show up for me.
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I never want to deny that Because when I do it, it's never about them, it's about me, it's about what's going on in my mind and my head.
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But I never thought about it like that.
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But when I flip it and think about how I would feel if I was on the other side of that because I love showing up for everybody and I understand I get it and it's like, who am I to deny them that?
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So after my surgery and when my village and the people who really love me and I'm talking about people who really love me and care about me, and in these type of moments you really get to see who really show up and who who really down for you, who really care about you and who really love you.
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Because you don't have to wait on somebody to ask you.
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You don't have to wait on somebody to to to tell you don't and I'm saying this from experience because I'm going to tell y'all something when people don't ask for your help and this is just me from experience, because I don't ask for help I noticed those type of people who don't ask for help is because they're strong.
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Those are strong, hyper-independent.
00:22:40.517 --> 00:22:50.738
Those people who may struggle with being vulnerable, they might struggle with letting people in, and it's not because they don't want it.
00:22:50.738 --> 00:22:51.799
That's just.
00:22:51.799 --> 00:22:52.923
That's just who I am.
00:22:52.923 --> 00:22:54.632
I go a little deep sometimes.
00:22:54.632 --> 00:22:55.894
Y'all, y'all bear with me.
00:22:55.894 --> 00:22:57.779
I go a little deep sometimes.
00:22:57.779 --> 00:23:00.094
It's not because they don't want to.
00:23:00.094 --> 00:23:01.039
They have their reasons.
00:23:01.039 --> 00:23:01.442
I'm just gonna to.
00:23:01.442 --> 00:23:02.630
They have their reasons.
00:23:02.630 --> 00:23:04.013
I'm just going to tell you.
00:23:04.013 --> 00:23:13.434
They have their reasons, you know you can ask them, you can dig a little deep and find out why, but they have their reasons and I know that.
00:23:13.434 --> 00:23:17.421
So for those people I get creative.
00:23:18.611 --> 00:23:30.382
I have a girlfriend who she had went dark a little bit for a while, and when I say dark, I don't mean like something happened dark.
00:23:30.382 --> 00:23:32.597
I meant like she got quiet.
00:23:32.597 --> 00:23:34.935
I hadn't heard from her for a little bit.
00:23:34.935 --> 00:23:38.479
She was quiet on social media.
00:23:38.479 --> 00:23:40.336
She was quiet in real life.
00:23:40.336 --> 00:23:44.244
But I'm the type of person I respect it.
00:23:44.244 --> 00:23:46.553
I understand life happens.
00:23:46.553 --> 00:23:48.297
Life gets hard hard for us.
00:23:48.297 --> 00:23:50.722
I didn't take that personal life be life.
00:23:51.671 --> 00:23:57.682
But I also understand she's one of those people who's like me don't ask for help.
00:23:57.682 --> 00:24:01.355
You know, get independent.
00:24:01.355 --> 00:24:03.723
You know struggle with vulnerability.
00:24:03.723 --> 00:24:09.538
She shows up for everybody else but you know sometimes she's not going to ask that for herself.
00:24:09.538 --> 00:24:16.900
So I reached out to her spouse and I was like what's my girl favorite?
00:24:16.900 --> 00:24:17.259
You know?
00:24:17.259 --> 00:24:19.064
Snacks, foods, whatever.
00:24:19.064 --> 00:24:19.691
You know what.
00:24:19.691 --> 00:24:21.234
What's she really into right, right now?
00:24:21.234 --> 00:24:23.181
He sent me a list of stuff.
00:24:23.181 --> 00:24:27.882
I put a basket together, slid by her house and dropped it off at the door.
00:24:27.882 --> 00:24:39.258
She reached out to me, told me how much she appreciated it, that I also that she appreciated that I realized that she had went quiet.
00:24:42.262 --> 00:24:53.240
I didn't have to reach out to her and say you know what's going on or how can I show up for you or, you know, do you need anything?
00:24:53.240 --> 00:24:58.011
Because I understood who she is as a friend.
00:24:58.011 --> 00:25:00.115
I understood the type of person she is.
00:25:00.115 --> 00:25:09.563
I understood, even if I asked her, she probably was going to say you know nothing, I don't need anything, cause I understood that about her.
