Blended Families with Ashley Jenkins

What's up guys. Welcome to demo with Mo I'm your host Monique Simmons. We'll be discussing, dating, engaged, and married objectives from a young Christian's perspective. Are you guys ready? Let's dive in.

Hey, what's up guys. Welcome to a new episode of demo with Mo. Monique Simmons today. I have a very special guest joining me. I am very excited. We are going to be discussing blended families. And I know that this is a sensitive topic for a lot of people. If this is not your experience personally, I'm pretty sure you know, someone in your life who experienced this, we're going to kind of dive right in and just get to the nitty gritty of, of all things.

Blended family. My guest is Mrs. Ashley Jenkins. She is a therapist and life coach with 10 years experience in the field of social work. She obtained her bachelor's of social work. It sagging off valley state university, and her master's of social work is Simmons university. She has expertise working with children, adolescents, families, and couples.

As a therapist, Ashley specializes in the area of trauma adoption and working with, with children and adults, dealing with various behavior difficult. Or mental health challenges. She is the proud owner of influential touch LLC. Ashley refers to herself is your neighborhood hope pillar. I love it. I love her passion for this work has led her to promote mental wellness, especially to those in the black community.

She desires to break the stigmas and myths that come with seeking mental health services. Her main objective is to see others happy Kilty and humble enough to ask for help or help someone else on the journey to mental. Well-being welcome, Ashley. So glad to have you. 

Thank you for having me. I'm so excited.

Yes, definitely. And before we dive in, I do want to say. I met Ms. Ashley through a group on Facebook, dope as a mother, um, lay by Liz filming Nichols, which is a great group. If you want to go check that out, check that out via Facebook is a great group for moms and I met Ms. Ashley through there, and I just love her.

She's such a great spirit. I always has positive things to say, always pushing their PSE and therapy and mental health wellness. It's just dealt because I'm an advocate for therapy and it's just a breath of fresh air to see another black woman. So excited about mental health and helping others and building a community.

It's just a breath of fresh air. 

I love being around like-minded individuals, myself. So it really is. And I knew right off that we had to connect didn't know it was going to be in this way, but 

I from, well, before we dive into discussing blended families, is there anything you would like to get to know about you?

Um, well I, myself am a mom of three and the reason that this is such a dear topic to my heart is because not only. Do I have a blended family, but I'm a part of a big blended family myself. So my two little ones are with me and my husband. And then I have my bonus son and he is actually a driving force while we moved from Michigan to come to the state of Mississippi, because we wanted to make sure all of our kids were like, you know, race together.

So this is definitely a topic that's near and dear to my heart. Um, you know, I have a passion for children, but especially my own, you know how that is. So then a mom and a wife is like top fried or it's easy for me outside of, you know, serving. Um, 

I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. And I just learned something new, which we're going to talk a little bit more about once we get into our discussion, but I had no idea that you was from Michigan and you moved to Mississippi.

Yeah, 

I'm originally from Louisiana. I was born in Louisiana, were born in new Orleans. Um, lived in Hammond, Louisiana, all pretty much all of my childhood, but I was also back and forth from Saginaw, Michigan. So I was kinda born and raised. Saginaw and Hammons. So those were like my hometown's. Um, and then I lived near Saginaw, Michigan for about nine years.

And I, I didn't quite like the cold I wanted to escape, but God had different plans for me because my husband was in Michigan. So he had to work that situation out first, you know, I can leave and do what I need to do. 

All right. Okay. So let's dive right in. What's your personal experience with blended family?

My 

personal experience has thankfully been a positive one. I know that that's not a lot of people's, you know, story, but I'm so thankful that, you know, personally, I'll start with myself, like my stepdad, who I do not call my stepdad. That is my dad. He has been in my life since I was, I think that at least three or four.

So this is the only dad that I really know, you know, um, my mom was divorced when I was a baby and unfortunately my father was not a part of my life, you know, he chose not to be, so God blessed me with an amazing, amazing, um, that, um, you know, once my mom got remarried and so I've had that positive experience of seeing, you know, a man step in and really treat you as their own, um, And I think that that has really molded the way that I've been able to be with my, um, bonus on as well.

Um, I have, you know, him and he and I, his mother and I have a great relationship. Um, we have a good, strong, I call it a co-parent and team because although the biological parents, I feel like they are the point people, you know, and I'm that support. It's still about a team. We all have to have the same collective goal, which is.

I lovey, I love it. So not only did you have a great experience with your bonus dad? Who's like you said, is your dad coming into your life and being a major part in a major figure in your life. But even when you married your husband, you guys created a great blended family. Like that's awesome. And I really think, I don't want to skim over that too fast, but I think as you said, the relationship you had with your bone is dead and it kind of the example, he said it set the time for you.

When you had to do the same thing. Exactly. Okay. So do you think that is what a lot of people are missing? Maybe they didn't have that great example or didn't know what it looked like to have a healthy blended family is sometimes why they miss up? Well, one 

thing I realized, you know, at the end of the therapist, there's always something that motivates behaviors, right?

There's always something behind the behavior. So not to generalize too much because everyone's an individual at the same time, but I do believe that there are contributing factors. So yeah, if you don't see that positive. Um, relationship between a co-parenting unit or have a positive, you know, bonus parent in your life, then that can go one, the mimic, or you're going to try to break the cycle.

So, you know, it's really up to that individual, what they want to do in your childhood know particular topic. It's up to you then with those experiences, that makes sense. 

It makes a lot of sense. Makes a lot of sense. Okay. So I know we've kind of discussed how with your bonus son, how you and his mom have a great relationship now, but was that transition always easy?

Did you guys always have a great relationship? Did it start off in the beginning like this? 

I will say that it takes time to build those boundaries. Sex and those different things. My husband and I got married very quickly. Um, and so I actually didn't even meet our son and say, after we were married, my husband and I only dated, um, for nine months and then we were married.

So I was not able to like, you know, meet my son's mother and meet my son and like ease into that situation. It was kind of like, okay, I have a wife, here we go. So I'm sure, you know, not to speak for her, but I'm sure it sounded like, you know, like, let's go like, you know, so, um, you know, there were things that happened prior to me being a part of this now co-parent unit that my husband and her had to figure out and I had to figure out my place in that.

Um, so I think as you know, for me individually, that's what it was for me. What is my place? Like, what's my role. And I don't want to overstep because I can be an over separate. Um, so I don't want to overstep, I don't want to be too controlling and I don't want to come in like a powerhouse, but I do want it to be known that I'm genuine.

I'm here, I'm present and I have nothing but positive intention. So that's the way I went in with it. And I think that because of that, it was an okay transition uncomfortable. Yes, of course, because you know, you're dealing with someone who has a kid with the person that you love before in my situation before I did, you know, so I had uncomfortable moments and that's just being transparent, you know?

So I know that transition was a little difficult in that sense for me. Um, now if we fast forward, have there been situations and things that happened. Of course, you know, um, communication has changed at times and made me question like, okay, what did I do wrong? What's going on? Why are we not communicating the way that we were and those different things.

And I think that that just comes with, you know, allowing space and opportunity for any healing that needs to go on. Um, if things have happened in, uh, in that relationship, which for us thinks some things did happen. Um, but I think just allowing that other parent, that space to heal, stand respectful, like you don't have to be disrespectful, even if there's a conflict, you can respectfully agree to disagree or say, Hey, I'm going to put my best foot forward.

And I hope that that's enough to get us through this rough patch or this transition in their relationship. 

Yeah, good. That's good. That's good. And I just want to say, I love your transparency, um, because for anyone who has been listening to my podcast for any time, you know, that. I'm going to always be transparent and honest and vulnerable and sharing things about myself that may make others uncomfortable, but I want to always live in my truth.

So I really appreciate your response 

in it. And the thing with that too Mo is that. If we're not transparent, we're just sitting here talking for no reason. We're not helping me. So I, you know, I I'm, I'm, especially in this season, I'm very intentional and I'm not just coming on here, you know, just to you.

And I would love to kick it with you outside of this, you know, just to kick it, you know, we're here for a purpose and I want someone to walk away. Help. 

Yeah. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay. What do you think the hardest part for people who are blending their families? Like what do you think? And I hate to generalize it because like you said earlier, every family dynamic is different, but in this aspect, what do you think are the most common issues with people?

Blending their 

families? Number one is communication. It's an unwillingness to communicate, even if it's a uncomfortable, difficult talk. Um, just that communication piece is so important. So I think just, um, you know, being able to communicate also letting go of the pack, you have to be able to let go of the past, even if you didn't like it in order to move forward.

And I feel the best way to let go of something. Although this is not for everyone is to find a way to deal with it or communicate about it. Um, because a lot of people are like, well, I let that go. I'm not bitter, but you really should really let it go because, or you just, you know, kind of say you let it go.

And it's still an issue for you, you know? Um, and then it comes out in another year. You know, it's like the, you know, well, I let it go. But then over here, when we started talking about, you know, Hey, I'm going to get a pair of shoes. You like, I see. That's what I'm talking about. You ain't never been there for him.

And all you want to do is get a pair of shoes. That's like, wait a minute. What just happened? Because I was trying to do something positive. I don't even know why that went left. So just letting go of the past and communication, I think are things that have the potential to make it difficult, you know, to blend families.

Yeah. I agree with that. A hundred percent. I grew up that a hundred percent. I have. Okay. In my marriage, I have not experienced blended families. My husband and I, um, all three of our children are together, but I come from a blended family. Um, my parents separated when I was 16 without going into too many details, because even though I'm always open and honest with my truth, I have to be very careful.

I'm short on sharing someone else's truth. Exactly. Um, so my dad ended up marrying my step-mom and for us, and I'm speaking from the child's perspective, not the parents, but for us, it was very hard because there was no communication. It was just kind of like our home is now broken and now you have this new home and we're just supposed to go on.

With things as usual, like nothing has happened here. It's like no, no conversations as a family, as a family with myself and my brother and no conversation as a family with now my new bonus or my step siblings, because my step mom had four children of her own and all of us are teenagers, basically. So it's just like now we're, we're, we're combining these two families, but no one has said anything.

It's kind of you just trying to go in and find your place. And that was very hard for me because. You have all of these emotions and these feelings, but you don't know what to do with them because you are a child yourself, you know, it's kind of on the adults to, to kind of help you in this transition.

But there was nothing, it was nothing so that 

when they say what the blind leading the blind man, 

man, and it was just hard. It was definitely hard for my younger brother because he's five years younger than me. So he was a child. I'm a teenager, but he's a child. So it's like from net situation with us, never having talking about it or having communication that stuff went into our adulthood.

So that dynamic of those relationships was just so hard to maneuver around because we've never taught, even until I hood it's like the conversations have never been had. So it's just, this is a very. Sensitive topic for me and for my family. And the only thing I will say help me with help with my transition.

It wasn't because of anything that my parents or my mom did, but it was because of my relationship with God when I came to Christ and I learned how to forgive and how to extend grace and you know how to be a peacemaker. That's what helps me, you know, that's what helped me transition, but there's still a lot of things that have not been said.

So it's still, it's still not a great situation. I'll say that it's definitely things that need to be talked about and need to be discussed, but going down that rabbit hole my point in saying it. I agree with you a hundred percent about the communication, because even if it's uncomfortable and things that you don't want to talk about, that's your only way to transition into a healthy dynamic, because at the end of the day, that's what you desire.

You, you want to do this, right? You don't want to have all of these things that are unsafe, that bleeds into all of the different relationships, but you kind of want to discuss these things and build a, build a healthy foundation. Yes, 

exactly. 

Okay. How can the adults, and that can be the bonus dad or bonus mom, the biological parents.

How can they be proactive with this transition from, from now being one way into transitioning to this new blended family? How can they be proactive? 

I think like things like this, you know, research is always. The what, what is out there? Um, as far as information on blended families, but, you know, we are literally in an age of where knowledge is at your fingertips.

So to be proactive just means like putting in that time, putting in that effort. Of saying, Hey, I want my family, my Belinda families to be successful, you know? So I'm gonna look into some things I'm going to see, um, you know, what works, what doesn't work and being okay with missing it, being okay with not getting it right.

You know, I think another way to be proactive, um, you know, in a blended family is just understanding that, you know, you're bringing not only a child in the situation, but you're bringing another adult human being in the situation. Whereas no, my, you know, the, the mother of my son is not in my marriage. I do believe that she is a part of our family.

Now, you know, I look at her as a part of our family unit because we're essentially raising the kids. You know, was this the way that I planned it? No, I thought it was going to be my husband, me, but I knew what I was signing love for it, because like I told you, I got married. I knew he had a son. I knew what that looked like.

So I think being proactive is just starting to change your thinking around it and not being afraid to step outside of the box, not being afraid to say let's take some family vacations together because you know, I hear that people may look at you a certain way when you do those things, forget them.

They're not in your family. They don't have to be a part of this. This is your journey. So being proactive is just kind of changing your perspective, changing your mindset and understanding that this is your journey and you have control over it. Like don't let anybody else dictate that. 

Good stuff, girl.

Good stuff. Let me ask you this to follow up on what you just said about the, maybe the biological mom or dad who was in a pitcher before bringing them on as being a part of your family. Now, why do you think a lot of people struggle with this or don't want the other parents to even be a part of their life?

Oh, um, I mean, if I could speak to myself, like I mentioned in the beginning, um, I'm dealing with a woman that has a child with someone that I love and I don't have children with him. So if I can be honest, it was almost like, oh, she got one up on me. That, that was my thinking at first, you know, or feeling, you know, that intimidation because the stigma around baby mamas and baby daddies, or, you know, that whole thing is like, they're always going to mess with each other, you know?

But that going back to being proactive, you have to break that thinking. That's negative thinking like that's unrealistic because I tell you, I, I don't get that vibe at all. You know, from my husband and the mother of my son, I like, she don't want him, he don't want her like barely chill, just share the kids together.

So. But even with that, we can still create that narrative for ourselves if we feed into those negative thoughts. So I think it's about. You know, you have to do that individual work for yourself. You have to make sure that those thoughts are not taking control of you, you know, because that will hinder you from how great your family unit could possibly be.

If you were free in that area and healed in that area, you know? So it could be positive. It can be fun. Like I remember when, um, I was, I think I was pregnant with my son. I was pregnant with somebody. We all went, I think I had my daughter and then I was pregnant with my current son. We all went to like waterpark and it was so fun.

Like my, I can tell my son enjoyed it. And that's what it's about. It's about the child at the end of the day, not about the parents. That's the biggest thing. Make it about your child and you can't go wrong, 

girl. That's good. Damn. That's good. And I think, I think a lot of people struggle with it because they're, they are selfish and all in all honesty, they are selfish.

And like you said, they're dealing with those negative thoughts and those insecurities, and they may feel intimidated, but now you're making it about you in the bigger grand scheme of things. Are these thoughts am how I feeling? Is that going to help the child? Is it going to be for the child's manifests?

If it's not, then I need to revisit this. I 

need to, I need to check the way I'm thinking. 

Right? Right. Because at the end of the day is you say, especially when you're dealing with, with young church and the children that you know, that are still in the home, you want to do what's best for them. Okay. Do you think that parents consider how the child or the children feel when they're blending these families?

Do you think that they even consider what's going on with the child? 

I think that parents have a hard time considering children's feelings in general. Um, I think that we, we believe we know what's best and it's hard sometimes even, even on the level of, you know, my kids are two or four, even on the level on their level, they have feelings and they're valid feelings and you know, all of that.

So I think that it's hard for parents in general to consider how the children are going to feel. So I think that that is a thing that you, you consciously have to work on doing, because. You're just like, well, you going to do what I say? Um, I know what's best for you and you know, this is what we're doing.

So let's go get on board. And if you're not on board, I'm going to beat you on board. I'm gonna yell you on board. I'm going to make you get on board instead of going back and saying, Hey, I know this may be is a lot for you. How you feeling? Let's check in. Uh, if I'm perfectly honest, you know, my son has had some, some behaviors and I'm the type of parent I go to him.

And I just recently asked her, I was like, If this, you, at the point in your life, cause he's older, he's about to be 13 in February. If you're at the point where you're like, man, I'm mad because my mom and dad can't get together. Talk to us about that. Cause that's legitimate, you know? And that's just that, that's just the type of person I am like talk about those feelings.

Hey, it might hurt me. It may sting a little bit to hear. But if that's what you need to do to get yourself on track, I need you to do that. Yes, 

yes. Yes. That's all good. Because especially, like I said, the children that are still living inside the home is kind of like, parents will say, as you said, you know, this is what we're going to do.

And, and that's the end of it. And even being an adult and you do get to make the decisions. You always want to include your children. You know, when you're making these decisions, you want to talk to them. You want to let them know that they are being heard because at the end of the day, whether we're blended or not, we're a family.

And when you're a part of a family, you want to feel like you're part of the family. But when you dismiss me, when you don't include me, when you don't even consider me. That don't make me feel like I'm a part of the family and now there's going to be problems. Now there will be resentment and distrust and all of these things that we don't necessarily want, it's going to happen because.

You didn't even consider the child that's being affected by this as well. Right. Okay. What do you think about blended families that began from affairs? Cause like with your situation, your, your husband and, and your son's mom, they were not even together anymore. You guys had a fresh start, but that's not everyone's situation.

And from my own personal experience, without going into much details, we didn't have a great start. It was like moving from one home to another home and it was just, it was just there Rocky, very, very broken. It just, it was just a hard situation. So what do you think about those blended families that start from a fear?

Ooh,

thank you. What my situation. Yeah, because that adds a little more. That adds some more challenges, you know, because like I told you before, even though I did not have that, those thoughts come, right. That thought of, is he going to want to mess with her? Are they done? I don't know. Like the, the backstory on everything that they've been through.

I don't know how y'all were in a relationship. So it's like, if y'all around each other too much, like what's going to happen. So I think that, and I'm not just saying this because I'm a therapist. I promise you. I don't have to book me is essential. Like, especially in the black community, we shy away from it so much, but in something like that, you have to build trust, figure out how to communicate.

Like you need tools to do that. Because first of all, your marriage is in trouble. If it's an affair, then you gotta address that. You gotta address your individual, you know, whatever is going on. And then you have to address the family blended family dynamic. So you need somebody to help you do those things.

You are not equipped to do it. You know, I'm just going to be honest because if it was me, I wouldn't be equipped to do it even as a therapist. You know, one thing I always say, therapists need therapists. So I would say, please seek counsel. Even if it's, you know, spiritual counsel, not Vincent to a friend, don't do that.

Not that, um, but someone that has some type of expertise where they can give you tools on how to. You know, get over that hurt that betrayal of the fair work on your marriage so that, you know, you have that groundwork, that foundation to then blend that family 

successfully girl that was allowed. And I am not, I'm not a therapist, but I agree with Ashley a hundred percent, this is something that will definitely require counseling therapy.

You need someone, a mediator, someone neutral to the situation, not your mama, not your daddy, not your best friend, but someone who does not have a, a horse 

in the fight,

but seriously. Yes. And, um, I was listening. I'm a big fan of pastor Jimmy Evans. I don't know if he's ever heard of him, but he runs mayors today in Excel marriage. If he's ever heard about it, if not, y'all go check them out. Great big fans of him. But I was listening to him and he was talking about blended families and he said he had his, this husband, he was doing counseling with, and the husband, he had an affair.

He remarried and him and his new wife, they were having a lot of problems. They were dealing with physical abuse and emotional abuse. They just was having a lot of issues. And he came to pastor Jimmy and he asks him, why won't God bless our marriage? And pastor Jimmy said to him, when did you think God was going to start blessing a marriage that came from an affair?

And the guy, he said, the guy just looked at him like he didn't know what to say. And he asked pastor Jimmy, well, what do I need to do? And he's giving him these steps, which I thought was so dope because. I've experienced this personally. And I'm like, man, and I went back to myself as a teenager and I was just thinking if my parents would have handled it this way, things would've been so differently for us as a family, as a family whole.

And he tells him what he should do. Even though, you know, things are mixed up and, and things are bad right now. And you feel like that is not blessing you. This is what you can do. He said, you need to first repeat. You need to repent to God for your fear. You know, what you did, and the decisions you made to break your home, break your, you know, your home with your first marriage.

And he said, then you need to go back to your ex-wife and you need to repent to her. You need to tell her whatever, whatever led to the fair and a divorce and his new family, you need to repent to her. And now you need to go to your children that you had with your wife and repent to them and tell them that you're sorry for what you did and how it affected them and how you broke your home.

And now you go to your new space. And you repent to them and make it right with them as well. So I was like, wow, those things don't normally happen. People just, they jump out of one thing, get into this new thing, and then they think it's going to be better because now I have this new spouse, it had to have been the first spouse that was causing these issues.

And now if I get into this new relationship with his new person, everything is going to be fixed and everything is going to get better. No, God does not work like that. We have to repent, ask for forgiveness and deal with those things before we want to start something new

and then, you know, to even talk more about, you know, repentance, repentance is not just asking for forgiveness. Right. Let him know, like I'm changing my behavior. That's why I like repentance because it's about change behavior. It's not just, well, I'm sorry. No repentance is deeper than I'm sorry. Repentance is I'm sorry.

And I'm being intentional about working on this and making sure that I do the best I can to grow from it and learn from it and change the behaviors that may have caused the, you know, whatever happened in the situation. 

Yes ma'am. Yes. Ma'am. Whenever the Bible references, repentance or confession, it always uses both.

We have to confess and repeat because confession is I'm sorry. Part the recognizing what you did wrong part, but now the repentance that should follow confession is a changed behavior. I'm now basically turning. I was going in duration, but now I'm repenting, I'm turning and going in a different duration.

We like to continue. But we don't like to repeat, you know, I want to say, I'm sorry. And I'm really, honestly, I'm really not. Sorry. I'm just saying what I need to say it. Some kind of make it right with you. That's why there is no repentance because if we were really sorry, if we were truly siree, I behavior would change.

We would desire to do things differently. So, yes. Okay. So is a therapist because you are a therapist. Do you recommend counseling before blended families get married and kind of transition to wait a whole family together? Do you recommend they go to 

therapy? If they can. Absolutely. You know, I think that it's it.

I would, if I could say it like this, I wish that in my premarital counseling, that, that was something that, you know, was more addressed. Like, Hey, let's bring in or can we talk or, um, can we, you know, figure it out? I think that is a big component. If you, if you know that you are going into a blended family, um, prior to marriage, I think that's a component that's like missing in premarital counseling.

Um, because like give me some guidance because I know, like, I, I knew I was going into the situation with the right heart and right intent, but once again, right. Heart right. Intent, but no tools doesn't really set you up for that success. So I think that. A lot of time, people look at counseling or therapy as something's wrong, something's wrong.

And we have to get out of that mindset. It's setting you up for success. It's giving you the tools that you need so that you can be successful in an area. Now, can you go to counseling for crisis situations? Absolutely. But why not be proactive? Why not try to prevent those things instead of always reacting, um, you know, to a crisis and trying to always put out a fire.

Oh, we mad. We just had a huge blowout. We need counseling. No, that's why therapists have a hard time telling people, like I swear, we're here. We're good because people don't want to deal with their issues when, when they're in chaos, when they're in crisis. So if you come to me before crisis, or you go to someone else before crisis, It's a lot better.

It helps you to manage those fires a lot better. And I think the analogy that I use is if my house were to catch on fire right now, I have a fire extinguisher in my kitchen. Now, if I did not have a fire extinguisher in my kitchen and my house catches on fire, nine times out of 10, my house is about to burn down when I could've just put that fire out with that fire extinguisher.

If I was proactive and have that equipment, had that tool set in place, you know? So that's the way that you can look at counseling. It's like you want your house to burn down when the fire comes, when do you want this equipment, this tool so that you have a better chance of not letting everything burn to the ground when.

Oh, yeah, that's good girl. That's good. And I never, honestly never understood because I see a therapist myself. I, like I said, I'm an advocate for counsel. I've seen my therapist for years. I've never understood the stigma around counseling because it, how I see it is we get the tools for everything else.

We prepare for everything else. You know, you want to start the business, you research, you do the work, you talk to the people, you know, you want to go back. If you want the job with the, with the zeros behind the commas, you go back to school, you get the tray, all of the things. But it's like when it comes to your, your mental health and your mental wellbeing, why don't you think the same way?

Like, because you don't know what you don't know, like when you're getting married, that's why premarital counseling is the thing, because a lot of. In most situations you've never been married before. How do you know how to do marriage? If you've never been married before, it's like everything else in your life that you prepare for.

Why don't you treat yourself when it comes to your mental health and your wellbeing? The same way? Like if I'm in this new situation, like you said, with the blended families or the, um, the, the relationships that started from affairs or whatever your dynamic is, whatever your blended family dynamic is.

Cause I know they can look different for a lot of people, but if this is new to you, this is your first time. You have no idea what you're doing. Why wouldn't you want some help or some assistance or assistance or someone to navigate you through the waters? Because this is new territory. I just, I just don't understand the stigma of wanting to see somebody.

I just don't. I don't, I don't, 

I think a lot of it. It's work. It's not a quick fix therapy is work. You know, you're going in, you're probably taking a band-aid off of a wound that you should have gotten stitches for that you just keep covering up with a band-aid and you're like, oh, I'm going to just keep putting this bandaid on it.

It's cool. You know, I've made it this far. And I, I, you know, I haven't went to counseling, so I think that's how people see it. Like, I'm, I'm good, but you're not, you're good, but you're not thriving. You're good. But you're not, you know, operating in the potential that you could, or the capacity that you could if you were to really deal with some of those things, you know, in counseling.

So I think a lot of it has to do with the work, um, and, and being let's really talk about, you know, people thinking, oh, they gonna think I'm crazy. If I say counseling, No, you're not crazy. We all dealing with something, you know, we're all dealing with something, so why not get that support? So I think that's, that's, those are two main things that I see that reoccur, when I talk to people or hear people talk about counseling, it's like, you don't want to be seen as crazy.

You know, I use that time and I like to say it that way, but you get what I'm saying? Like you don't see him in that light and then you don't want to put it. 

Yeah, that's good girl. And you right you, right? Cause it is work. I mean there's but just like anything else that you want to get better at, or you want to do better in it, it takes some work.

It just does not happy. It takes some effort, intentionality for things to be better. Yeah. Okay. So I have some bonus questions for you to have. Um, for those of you who don't know, I have a private group on Facebook. It's called dating engaged and married objectives. And I post thank you. It actually is a part of that group.

I'm so glad we connected, but I asked the group if they had any questions concerning blended families, because something that I don't ever want to get caught up in doing on my podcast is just always looking at it from my perspective, because one person's perspective or experience is not everyone's perspective and experience.

So I always want to give feedback. I don't want to always want to know how other people see things, what they are curious about, what they want to know, because those are the podcasts that you listen to. You listen to the people who are talking about something that you want to know, something that you want to hear, something that you want to learn.

Some. Trying to gain feedback and hear what other people are thinking. So these are a few questions that was posed in a group. Okay. Okay. Okay. The first person say they're from a blended family. And one thing they still remember very vividly was have their step grandparents treated them. They didn't treat me the same.

Is there other grandkids which were their biological grandkids as a child, they didn't understand it. And I was very hurt by these. What do you say to this 

person? So the step grandparents treated the kids differently. So the first thing I say is that that's really unfortunate. And the reason that it's unfortunate is because we cannot change anyone else's behavior.

Um, I will say to the parents that may be dealing with this, don't try to overcompensate. But at the same time, be open to once again, communicating with those grandparents about, you know, those concerns and those things, because maybe they're not even aware, you know, it could be an awareness thing because a mom, let me tell you my brand, my mom's grandkids school, baby.

That's, that's the, I'm her everything, but that's her everything. And some of her grandkids are everything in this world to her. So I think, you know, she was a first time grandmother outside of my bonus son. And once again, being transparent, I had difficulties conceiving. So that's another component. So I think that if I saw like glimmers of that, um, this is just my personality though.

Like I would be like, Hey, you know, what's going on with this? Or, um, Did you realize you did that? Or, um, what, you know, just it's that awareness it's like, uh, I did, I do, like, I did not mean to do it and it happens because even like with my son living outside of the home, like it's not on purpose, but maybe the weekend that he's come in, my mom had just went shopping for the other two, but didn't know he was coming.

So she didn't have something for him, but she's really good at including him. So once again, the grandparents need to understand how to be proactive, um, and being able to roll with the punches, you know, what is what's going on behind once? I'm sorry, therapy behind the behavior, you know, why is grandma feeling that way?

Is there something going on that, you know, grandma sees that maybe you don't see. You know, as far as the relationship with mom and dad, is it something she doesn't like there? Or he doesn't like there because they're reacting to something they're not just acting this way just to act this way. I would hope, you know.

Um, so having that conversation be brave enough to have the conversation and be okay with agreeing to disagree and respecting how they feel. If this will, I don't consider that my grandkids, I consider these two, my grandkids, you have to respect that and move on. You know, that's the way that they view it.

Isn't unfortunate. Isn't the way that you want it. Absolutely not. You know, but it's all about that respect dynamic. And it's like, maybe you just limit the interaction, you know, between the grandparents or maybe you just do things together as a group and give that grandparent the respect of saying, Hey. I would like to have a family day, we're going to do it with all the kids.

This is what we're going to do, what you like to be a part, you know? And just have, I guess, like in that you're trying to create like that safe space for your bonus child so that if anything does occur, you're that sounding board or you're that safe space and you can step in and do what you need to do to make sure that they're okay.

Okay. Thank you. Thank you for that response. The next person says, how do you deal with the parent of your bonus children? And also, how do you deal with that parent feeling the child's head up with ideas that they aren't wanted because they don't live in the same household. 

So I will say this never assume.

Cause I think we have some, a lot of things too. If, if it's not been said or you have not heard it because I know. I've had conversations about things and sometimes your friends and your family will be like that. Baby probably heard them talk, you know, that's the first thing that they want to say. It would probably hurt something.

And then we start thinking that, right. So I would say, don't go in assuming that that's what's happening. If you really have never heard those conversations or seen those actions, don't feed into that negativity. Right? Communication is key once again, even here, um, because you know, you want to let them know that, um, the child, and when I'm talking about communicating, you want to reiterate how much you love them, how much you care about them.

Why even address the parent because at the end of the day, that parent is going to do like, just like grandma and grandpa, everybody, they're going to do what they want to do. Rather you address them in a nice way, a mean way, custom out, whatever they're still going to do and say what they want to do and stay in their household.

And they have the right to do that. That is not your household. Your job is when your son, daughter, step bonus, whatever you call them comes into your home, that they feel that love, they see that love. And then there's no question about it when they do, or if they do encounter hearing it. And if it is you just keep repeating the cycle, you keep showing them who you are instead of feeding into what may or may not be said about you in someone else's household.

That is good. 

The next person wants to know the standard definition of blended families and the non traditional definition of it. And they also see how to enact with people who are part of blended families. Like how do you approach them in conversation and as a teacher? So this person who's asking as a teacher, they said they deal with blended families, but they have no personal experience with it.

They want to know how to include everyone without stepping on toes. And how do they ensure they're embracing the whole family? 

Um, so as far as a definition, I don't have definition of just that, you know, off the top of my head, but I just feel like it's, you know, anything outside of the. Husband wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, like children that you have not had together with your significant other, um, you know, whatever that dynamic is for you.

So any children that are added to your family that were not between yourself and your significant other, you know what, that's what I would consider it. Like I said, I don't know if that's a true definition. Um, as far as being a teacher or those different things, you want to make sure you're first following like policies and procedures.

Okay. Um, so I would say that just to make sure that you're safe in your profession and then, um, as far as meetings, different things of that nature, maybe just making sure, Hey, is there anyone else that's involved in, you know, your, your child's life, um, just being proactive about. Step-mom's stepdad, you know, grandparents, anything like that.

So maybe asking those questions and then if you need guidance, because I'm not a teacher, I don't, like I said, I don't know what those policies, procedures and stuff look like, but getting that guidance from maybe like your administrative, um, staff and kind of asking them like how you handle that. But as far as, um, a situation for me, I know that when our son live with us, um, he was in school and those different things.

So we were like the point people. Right. But for me, just because I, like I said, I look at us like a team. I was always the person that was like, Hey, we have this meeting this day. Do you want the link? You know, to his mom. And a lot of times she'll be like, Hey, if I don't work, you know, I'll be there. But because when you have the child in your home, you're the primary.

Caregiver. It's really up to that parent, how involved or not involved, they want to be in certain situations. You know? So I think just being aware of that, which is good, like this, person's getting that awareness. Um, and then, you know, just following those guidelines that are in place, but also checking in with the family to make sure, you know, am I addressing the people that I need to address?

You know, the way I need to do I do. I include all of you. And then if there's additional paperwork, because like my husband had filled out some stuff and myself and my son's mother, we, they were going to my husband about everything. And so for them, I think they, they do get confused. So they were like, well, he's going to have to come add whoever, you know, he wants the point of contact to be, or, or whatnot like that.

So I think a lot of times the power really is in the parent's hands. You just have to get that clarity, you know, on, on what the family unit looks like. And, and something that I work on, you know, with my parents and classes and parents and skills, it's talking about bridging the gap between teachers and parents, because one of the big things you have to do as a teacher, you have to know that family unit, you have to know, you know, who your child is, not just academically, but you have to, you have to know that you have to know, are they coming from blended family or you, you can't set yourself up, you know, to be successful and helping them, you know, navigate those different areas.

That's good. That's good. So communication is what I'm hearing from you a lot. It's just a big part with anything around blended families, because it's so easy to assume things and think certain things. But if we don't talk about it, if we don't have the open line of communication, we just don't know. We just don't know.

And that's, and that's especially with this question, this from both ends as the teacher and is the parents. Okay. So the last question here says, how do you support those who enter into them with no prior knowledge or understanding of how they work? So they've answering into a blended family. They have no prior knowledge, no experience.

This is their first rodeo. How do you help them 

to counsel? And again, I have two appointments to therapy. If you don't know, go to someone who does, if you don't know a research, you know, we are at the age where knowledge is literally at our fingertips, Google search it, you know, like if it's your first rodeo, that is okay, because I'm still getting it wrong in some interviews.

So, okay. Just because I'm sitting up here, don't y'all think no, I'm still missing the mark in some areas. You know what I'm saying? Like, um, one thing for me is life gets so busy and I want to do a better job as you know, checking in with my son, like. A week to go by now when he was in our home, it's a lot easier, but I have a two year old, four year old husband, a business, a nine to five or this or that.

And before I know it, I ain't talked to my son in like a week. It's been two weeks. You know what I mean? Like, and it's not because I don't love him. It's not, because he's not a thought in my mind. It's just that, like, I'm trying my best to get this right. So, you know, maybe I need to research, like how do I remind myself to like, do I need to put reminders in my phone, call your son?

What would you I me to do and being okay, getting it wrong, like we're gonna get it wrong. Y'all it's fine. None of us is perfect. You know? We going to miss it and just, you know, being real enough to say, man, you know, and apologize to your kids and letting them know, I don't know what I'm doing. Okay. I don't know.

I don't know what I'm doing, please forgive me. Like for me, it's something I meant to call you last week. Um, I'm sorry. You know, just really just being real about those things. And you have to be like to a level of transparency with your kids, because if you don't, then they don't understand what's going on.

Yeah, Gerta so good. That's so good. And I know that we're talking about blended families specifically, but I just want to encourage you guys who are listening. We still have the same failures. We still miss up every day. These are children that maybe we have given birth to or adopted, or however your family dynamic looks like.

But as a parent, we're out trying every day, we're all missing. Uh, we're all trying to figure it out and get it right. So it's not just you guys, it's a blended family. So I just want to encourage you and Nate area. Okay. So last question. This is a bonus question for me. Okay. What do you say to those people who are listening, who may be have a blended family?

They beat it all wrong. They literally, the foundation was wrong. They didn't communicate dating. It just, they messed up and they kind of gotten so far down the road. They feel like they cannot fix it. What do you say to them? 

Hmm. So someone who feels like I just failed as a parent of, uh, a biological parent.

Like I'm just getting it wrong all around. Don't give up simple. Don't give up. I mean, nothing deep, because like I just said in the previous question, we're all missing it every day. You know, we all have potential to grow every day. So when I say don't give up, don't give up on your show. You know, because at the end of the day, it's, we're making it about them.

So don't give up, do that research book, those counseling sessions, um, work on that communication, work on your individual, doubts, fears, all that thing. You know, those things that may be stopping you, um, those things that have those limits in thoughts of you like, well, I feel I'm just going to abort the mission.

I just, you know, keep going. You got it. And don't give up, you, you, you got you, you have the rest of their life to improve, because like you said, outside of blended family to do we say. Well, I stuck as a parent and I'm getting it all wrong. So CPS, come on, come get them, pick them up. You know what I mean? No, treat your, treat your blended family with the same intent, with the same respect.

Don't give up 

girl. Beautiful. That was beautiful. I mean, seriously, that was beautiful. So I pride my podcast on practical application. I do always, I always refer back to everything I say, I'm going to refer back to God's word and God's standard and try to do those things that please God. But even in me referencing back to God's word, I always try to give my audience practical application on what does they look like?

Yeah. You're telling me these scriptures. You telling me what God says, but how do I apply it to my life? How do I practically do. What, what do I do? So I love how you just broke down. You say it don't give up, but then right after you said, don't give up, you gave practical application, go to counseling, do the research, have the conversations.

It's just good. It's just good. So I hope you guys who are listening to this, I really hope today's episode help you wherever you are. If you are, if you have Ashley's situation where you had a great blended family transition, you know, it went very well for you, or even if you don't have a great blended family, you know, maybe it was hard.

Maybe there's some unforgiveness or some resentment. Remember the thing she said, don't give up, have the open line of communication, go to therapy. If you need to research. Yeah. It's so many podcasts out here that has all the information that you need. Reason. You may not be able to afford to go see a therapist at this moment.

There are therapists who have podcasts out here that you can listen to to get the help. You don't have to wait. God, I headed us with so many resources that you can get the help even today. So thank you guys so much for listening to us today, Ashley. Thank you. I mean, just thank you. Thank you so much. Let my audience know.

How can they find you where you are the neighborhood hope dealer? How can they see if they need some hope help to them today? How can they get. 

Okay, well, um, I do have Facebook. My Facebook name is Ash, a S H Jenks, J E N K S. Um, I'm always posting like my book and links and different things that I have going on on Facebook.

And then I love my Facebook page because it's also a mixture of my personal life because I'm a transparent person. So I'm all about that. So you all follow me on Facebook? My Instagram is. Happy underscore healthy, humble. And, um, I have, you know, all of my posts and different things like that on there as well.

And my website is coming soon. I'm working on it. Guys. Pray for me is because I just pray I'm working on it, but it's coming. So you all check out that and then I also have ticked top. It is your neighborhood hope dealer, 22. So follow me on all social media platforms. 

I love it. I love it again. Thank you so much, so much for joining me on today.

You guys, I really hope that you were encouraged by this conversation and it helps you wherever you are. And remember is always, I love you, but God loves you more bad.

I hope you guys have enjoyed. Follow me on Facebook at demo with Mo if you have any questions you would like answered here alive on my podcasts, emailed them to me@demowithmoatgmail.com. That's D E M O w I T H M o@gmail.com.